Happy Halloween

I started to write a post during Sandy but scrapped it. I've been meaning to write more today but between planting garlic because the Farmer's Almanac told me to and shopping for a new washing machine, I simply ran out of time. L just came home and I find it hard to do any sort of writing with anyone in the house because of the interruptions.

My mechanical/electronic things are starting to turn against me. So far my phone has died, the washing machine was declared dead this morning (for the low price of sixty bucks)and the check engine light went on in my car this morning as well. Great.

My children are always against me. That's just a fact of life for me. It appears that my pets may also being joining the throng.
After carving 5 pumpkins, 1 rather complicated. (the kids forced me) I spent a half hour sweeping and mopping up pumpkin guts. B was home so I made a point of being very thorough as I knew that trying to take shortcuts would earn me some sort of remark that would go straight up my ass.
I was finally finished and putting things away when I saw my cat drag her butthole down the entire length of the hall way, tumbling in her wake was a large lump of turd, still attached to her ass by a few hairs. (She eats dust bunnies) I shook my head, feeling a bit defeated and thought to myself that it just couldn't be coincidence.

In honor of Halloween I'd like to share a very funny conversation that I had with my daughter last night. They are very nervous about Halloween as you can imagine, with the weather being what it has been this week. G asked me what kind of candy I bought to give out. B said that it was the kind that you eat. I said to her, "Yes, as opposed to the kind that you have to put in your ass." B then spoke of these "rectal chocolates" being all the rage in Asia and the Middle East. I followed him up with a lecture of my own about being her age and the only kind of candy we had was the kind that we had to shove up our asses. Uphill. In a snowstorm. And we were thankful for it.
Of course she didn't believe a word I said, but it was a good laugh.

And last, on this All Hallow's Eve, be sure to take a moment to think of all those people who suffered devastation from Sandy. I still get to dress up and take the kids out, I have Jack O Lantern's and a home to put them in. For thank I am very, very thankful.
Happy Halloween!

F@*king NED

I promised to write a post a few days back about getting braces, the brain I share with my husband and the high cost of church going. This is not that post.

It has been crazy around here and I am suffocating at the moment under a mountainous pile of little things that need to get done, in addition to a lot of big things. I am trying not to get overwhelmed.

So one of my little things is going around the house and getting rid of stuff that has accumulated over the years. I dream of big empty spaces all over my house. In the meantime, the shit is piling up.

A few days back, I threw a NED yo-yo in the Salvation Army bag. The NED yo-yo is an overpriced yo-yo that is periodically sold at my children's school. It is supposed to foster self-esteem or prevent bullying through the art of yo-yo-ing or some crap like that. The damn things are expensive. Seeing as how the kids bought their NED yo-yo's 2 years back and never touched them again, I felt very safe in my decision to throw that yo-yo in the bag.

I think it was the very next day I pulled a NED advertisement for the fucking yo-yos out of G's book bag.

Just today my son came running up to me begging for a NED yo-yo. He was so angry that I said no he stepped on my foot.

Ironic. As ironic as the time I invited my friend out to coffee at a particular coffee shop for the sole purpose of avoiding a certain person, only to look up while sitting there to see that person smiling at me. But I suspect I told that story.

I think I have always struggled with the true, correct definition of irony. I blame Alanis Morrisette. But situations like this silly one make me really feel the meaning.

On a side note, It was G's stupid yo-yo that I got rid of. She had been keeping V's safe in her dresser for the past 2 years. So V got his yo-yo. Because G was so nice to keep V's yo-yo safe, she and I are splitting the cost of a new yo-yo, which she will bring into my cluttered house to add to the pile of untouched crap after a week I'm sure.

Thanks a fucking lot, NED

September

I think that next year I'm going to use the months of July and August to prepare for September. September is fucking crazy for me. We even threw in a road trip to boot. So now it's October. What I should be doing right now is working on my story so that that it will be done in time to start a new one for NaNoWriMo. I should be filling up the honey jars that just came in the mail or I should be down at the beehive taking out the drone comb and putting on the mouse guard for the Winter. Nope, I'm here. procrastinating again. I procrastinate writing blog posts as well so I feel like I am accomplishing a little something at least. Here are some pictures of what's been going on lately.
We took a road trip to Chicago. All 5 of us. I am not in jail for infanticide. I know! Amazing! It was actually an excellent time and I can't wait for our next trip

Here is V at the very scenic NJ spot


We went to yet another f-ing zoo and fed the stingrays, which was my favorite



We discovered a Dalek in the window somewhere in the North End of Chicago.



The clouds in the mountains were beautiful, but I was scared shitless



I hate heights. Especially when B drives up and down mountain roads like a maniac and the kids are in back gleefully yelling, "ROLLER COASTER!"

Here are a few random images:



I like the sign and the kids like posing with their stuffed animals for every damn picture.

I just liked this sign too.

And I finally harvested honey for the first time. 15 months of waiting finally paid off. I got just over 2 gallons. Here are some pictures of that:

The harvest itself went very smoothly thanks to Jessica. I put on a contraption called a bee escape and the next day I just took off the honey super and ran


Honeycomb!


A visitor hoping for a handout. I smeared a little honey on the screen for her.


OK-I have run out of steam. I need to bottle honey, fold laundry, and brush my teeth. Come back and hopefully tomorrow when I'll talk about my new braces, the brain that I share with my husband and how the church he makes me go to is putting us in the poor house!

A Catch Up

I am very determined to write something today. The Universe is against me but I will write something even though all of the kids are awake and making themselves breakfast and playing video games. (They have the day off from school because it's Yom Kippur) There will be a fight soon. Any second. The dog is whining because it needs to go out, the cat is becoming violent because she is hungry. The dog and the cat will fight soon I'm sure. But I am determined to put a little something out there.

It is a very busy time of the year. Summer is crazy with the kids and their activities, then the long vacation and what unfolds there and then school and summer's end, with the cleaning and organizing chores. We also took a road trip to Chicago to see my brother and his family last week. And honey, I got some honey from my lovely bees slowly straining in a bucket in the kitchen as I write this. The fulfillment of 15 months, waiting and hoping.
I have a lot of things I want to write about here and share. I have a ton of catching up to do.

The garden was a struggle this year with the evil Groundhogs wreaking havoc. they are still there, get rid of one and another comes along. Here is the latest, the big Kahuna, the Devil's Marmot, mother of them all, skillfully hand caught by the ladies in the office at my garden:



Despite this glorious victory and all of the fencing we put up, and the cayenne pepper we liberally sprinkled all over the Goddamn place, we are still getting them. My kale is destroyed as are many tomatoes and a watermelon. That's just a few things. Next year, we are considering electric fencing and/or perhaps hiring a sniper. My daughter is interested in falconry, but that is a long way off.

Gardening is difficult and heartbreaking at times. You grow plants from seed, painstakingly raising them, watering, feeding, pruning. Then some fuzzy fucking lawnmower comes along and mows it all down. I wouldn't mind sharing a few things, but groundhogs just take it all.

There were times this year, especially after they got through my defenses again, that I wanted to throw in the towel and give up, but I kept on going, and will continue to do so. Here is a sample why, despite pests, diseases and weather, I will still garden at my spot in defiance of it all.







That sunflower was a small seedling that I grew in the garden at my house. A bird came along and snipped it off at the base. I found it before it wilted and put it in a glass of water. B put some hormone powder on it and we stuck it in a pot to see what would happen. That enormous sunflower happened.
It's still there too, standing tall, with it's head half eaten off and all of the seeds gone.I managed to get some of the seeds for myself, to plant next year.

So when I get down about the Kale and the Brussels Sprouts, I think of my sunflower, which came back after being struck down. I think to myself, "Fuck you Groundhog." and then plan for next year.

I have to go and find a small plastic alligator before my daughter loses her mind and walk the dog before he shits on the floor.

Picking Some Magic

First day of school-Hot Damn! I love this commercial




I woke B up this morning. He raised himself up on one elbow and gave me a quizzical look.

I asked him what the look was for and he said that what I was doing was really attractive. I asked him what was so attractive and said that me standing at the foot of the bed and picking my nose was.

I said "No way I was picking!" triumphantly holding up the wad of tissue that I had been screwing up my nostril while telling him that his 5 minutes was up, time to get out of bed.
"I'm really glad you noticed" I continued, "Because I was thinking to myself this morning, what would be the best way to keep the magic in our relationship? Then it dawned on me that standing at the foot of the bed and shoving toilet paper up my nose with a blank look on my face would be the absolute best way to add some spice. Don't you think so, honey?" I said as I kissed him on the temple.

Brian sighed and shook his head. Overwhelmed by the headiness of the moment I suppose.

On My Way

Five minutes from now, I will wake up my minions and head North.

I am very, very ready to go home. I miss L, my bees, I miss my dog and cat. I actually miss Horst a bit. I miss my whole little life up there and can't wait to get back.

I wanted to write while I was down here, but only managed 1 blog post. So much for my story, I didn't even touch it.

I have that picture of the Looney Tunes frog on my profile for a reason. I have to be alone to write and it was quite difficult in a house full of people.

That will change in 3 days, when B is at work and the kids head back to school.

I have been taking some notes of things I want to share, so I'm hoping to do some fun blog posts as well as finish my fucking story once and for all.

See you in a few!

Awkward Moment

Hello from the wilds of the Jersey Shore!

We got down here yesterday to enjoy our annual August visit.
No, we are not here to see the cast members of the Jersey Shore. In fact, I despise that show because every time it's this scenario:
"Yeah, we're going to NJ to visit B's parents."
"Really, what part?"
(Here is where I get tense)
"The Jersey shore."
"Oh yeah!" (person becomes animated) "Like the show, do you ever watch that?"
I shake my head no sadly and try to change the subject.
I hate that show.

I was in the drug store today, just a little Mom&Pop store down the street from B's parents. I was there to purchase 2 unisex unmentionables for both my husband and I. I say unisex unmentionables because A: I will not divulge to the public what I was getting for my husband, and B: as far as feminine products go, I do not classify them as unmentionables. If I have to buy tampons/pads or one just happens to fall out out my purse or pocket, I consider that as a sort of warning shot to any person who may be watching. It is my silent way of telling people it is that special time and not to fuck with me. I carry them proudly to to the cash register.

It was a different story with what I was getting today. The items were the ones you sheepishly place upon the counter while avoiding eye contact with the cashier.

As I was searching for these things,I heard someone say my last name. I looked up to see my mother in law at the counter picking up a prescription. I was taken aback a bit, having just left her at the house not 15 minutes before. I considered hiding behind a self until she left. She'd never recognize my car in a million years, everyone has the same make and model as me. I'm a stranger in these parts and nobody would even know. I then said to myself, "What the hell am I doing? No one cares what I'm getting or what B is getting. It's B's mother for Christ's sake. If there is anyone in the world who can know about your gross body issues it's a mother!"

I stepped up to the counter, said hello to B's mother, who was surprised to see me at the little pharmacy. She said that she had expected me to go to CVS. I watched her eyes scan my purchases. I smiled at her and said cheerily, "Just picking up a few things for B!"

Just Not Feelin It Today

It wasn't too bad this morning. I got the kids safely through the torrential downpours to camp in a reasonable amount of time. I had coffee with a friend and unloaded a sweater unto her. She is learning to knit as of yesterday here is her first creation




She is very fancy.
That was the aftermath of our first lesson on how to wind a skein of yarn. The elite pay extra to buy a skein of yarn and then wind it into a ball themselves.
We discussed the possibility of maybe, instead of learning to knit, to just have a skein of yarn and some needles artfully lying around for when company comes, but I know she can do it.

I stopped by the garden to find that the Devil's Marmot, the big mother groundhog, waited until right after the downpour washed away the large amount of Cayenne Pepper I dumped all over as a deterrent to break under my fencing and have some lunch.
My carrot tops, my new bokchoy sprouts, my brussels sprouts that were making such a strong comeback.
It really made my day suck.
I'm considering the possibility of just going back to container gardening in my alley. Time that I really can't afford to spare is being wasted on battling this damn thing. I am tired and discouraged.

Ok, tell you what. I'm going to go now. I'm going to take a shower because I am sticky and uncomfortable. I'll be back tomorrow with a better attitude, I promise.

I also journeyed out with Horst just now,to the cobbler. He kept a constant commentary going on about things and hooks and hanging things somewhere. I had no idea what he was talking about. After pulling up to a large pile of vomit at the bank, the commentary changed from "God Knows What" to "How People Cannot Hold Their Liquor"
I almost jumped out of the moving vehicle.
3 more days till vacation.

Tired of Tires

I have been excited for today. I am taking the kids to the Science Museum. I will find a good room for them. Hopefully the one with jars and jars of formaldehyde and rustling dead birds and drop them off. Then I will be free!

No really of course not. They actually have been pretty great lately.

Nope I don't have much today. The only thing is I'd advise anyone who is out and about on the East Side of Providence, where they are working on the sewer lines to use caution when parallel parking on any side street with those thin above ground pipes. I slashed a tire on one of the partially hidden clamps that run every few feet.
The very nice woman who lived at the house directly in front of this evil little screw/clamp combo came out and informed me that I was the fourth person that day to slash their tire. This included the woman, whose car was over at Firestone at that moment getting a new tire.

I have spent at least $800.00 At least, on new tires this year. I must have cursed myself when I bought a new set in preparation for winter last year.

G is Classy

I got up-took my car to the shop and walked home. I was happy to run into one of the neighborhood woodpeckers over on the Parkway. I miss those guys. I havent seen any of them since I had to take the bird feeder down because of the great Rat In The Feeder Debacle of April 2012.

I came home, ready to write and be productive. I proceeded to sit there and go through Twitter and other silly time sucking sites.

The kids woke up with a bang, a thump and a flurry of feet running downstairs. They immediately started fighting. V called G a shithead. I am not sure why. G's response was to simultaneously wave the middle finger at V while giving him the sign (in American Sign Language) for bitch. I asked her if I could video tape her doing this because it was really funny, but she said, "No! that's private!" and stomped away angrily.

I'll try to catch her some other time.

Bibliophile

In the beginning of the summer, I told my sister in law that I would give her a list of books to read and then didn't. I also saw a post from a friend on Facebook asking for some good YA titles.

I think I have said before that I used to feel self conscious about my book choices, having a non-fiction, newspaper reading husband with a big mouth. But I am now much more comfortable in my status of YA/Science Fiction/Fantasy geek.

Here are the books I have read so far. I start my new list of books read on January 1st-I guess it's a lot so far this year.

The Night Circus-Erin Morgenstern
Monsters of Men-Patrick Ness(Chaos Walking Trilogy)
A Monster Calls-Patrick Ness
Steampunk!-short stories by Holly Black, Kelly Link and others
Nocturnes-Jonathan Connolly
The Infernals-Jonathan Connolly
**if you can check out the Book of Lost Things" by Jonathan Connolly-best.book.ever.
Death Comes to Pemberley
Stay Awake-Dan Choban
Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children
Good Omens-Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett
The Hunger Games-Suzanne Collins
Catching Fire-Suzanne Collins
Bird by Bird-Anne Lamont or Lamott
Mockingjay-Suzanne Collins
Squirrel Seeks Chipmunk by David Sedaris
On Writing-Stephen King
Gods Behaving Badly-Marie Phillips
The Graveyard Book-Neil Gaiman
Willpower
Room
Lamb-Christopher Moore
The Wind in the Keyhole-Stephen King
That's Disgusting-Rachel Herz
**Then I read the Hunger Games trilogy again to decide if they were actually good (they are) so that counts for three more books**
Gregor the Overlander-Suzanne Collins
Gregor and the Prophecy of the Bane-Suzanne Collins
Daughter of Smoke and Bone-Laini Taylor
Anansi Boys-Neil Gaiman
Neverwhere-Neil Gaiman
Girl With the Dragon Tattoo
This is How-Augusten Burroughs
American Gods-Neil Gaiman

I think that's 34?
I'm on a roll. For the record, these books are all good books that I found to be worth reading. If I start reading a book and find that after a few chapters, I can't get into it, I will put it down and read something else. I'm getting too old to waste my time.

Horst is back from vacation..He just came upstairs to give me the weather report for New England and Texas. I guess my day can begin now.

July Wrap-Up

I had the urge to write something this morning. I feel a little guilty because I made some hoopla about being back on here regularly and promptly disappeared.

It's been pretty busy around here, in a very frustrating way. It's summer vacation and the kids are around in full force. It's hard because I have found that in order to fill my "bucket" so to speak, I need unreasonable amounts of alone time on a day to day basis. Unreasonable when you have 3 children and a husband..and a father, all packed into a small house and it is summer vacation. Not so unreasonable during the school year.

I am just putting my head down and getting through the next 29 days until the first day of school.

But really, it hasn't been all THAT bad. I'm just whiney.

Here are some things that I have been up to:

G has been doing a bit of beekeeping with me. She loves it.



Here's a few of the bees:



Uncapped honey!



They are doing pretty well. I had to treat them for varroa mites this past week. I'm going into the hive at the end of this week so I can see how everything went. Then I have to consider my honey harvesting options. It's looking like I may actually get a little this year. It's about time those bitches started earning their keep.

Kidding..I actually like my bees better than my dog.



Dumbass dog..


I also have been doing battle with a family of groundhogs at my community garden. Here is what my greens bed usually looks like in July:



Kale in the middle looks nice, huh?

Here's what it looked like this July:



The Devil's Marmot and it's son the Antichrist, is what I dubbed them.

I put out at least 2 pounds of Cayenne pepper to repel them, which works until it rains. Then it all depends on who gets to the garden first. The Hogs live on the property so I usually lost that relay.

The Devil's Marmot would crap in one of the beds:



I told the kids, when we found this, that it looks like Mr Hanky, The Christmas Poo. I offered to bring it home in a box, where we could put googly eyes and a hat on it. The kids were disgusted at me for the suggestion, but still went home to watch that episode of South Park, just because. (DO NOT, I say, DO NOT mention to my husband that I let my kids watch that 1, and only 1, episode of South Park. I will get in trouble. And then I will find you, you big tattle-tale. Then I will open that can of whoop-ass)

I told my husband about the Mr Hanky poo. He also got disgusted and said in his snotty "Cindy is acting infantile" voice, "I don't know what that means." and walked away with me yelling, "Fine! Next time I'll just go and get myself a husband who appreciates my poop humor!"

B hates my poop humor. I have this wonderful magnet, given to me by a dear, (and appreciative) friend that says "Ask me about my explosive diarrhea" I put it in my car window, but B keeps taking it down. The kids warned me that he threatened to throw it out, so I have to be very careful and remember to take it down before he uses the car.

So moving on..The Groundhogs.

I bought a Havahart trap. It was time. Especially after the little fuckers started to pull out the fencing to break into the gardens. It had just gone too far. I got the trap. Then I picked up G from Vacation Bible School (don't get me started on that..)and told her that it was a birthday present. I was hoping to capture a look of disappointment on her face:



The evident delight on her face just proves that she is indeed, my daughter. She got mad at me when I told her that it actually wasn't for her. She punched me and I had to placate her with an early birthday present.

So within 2 days we caught 2 young Hogs. Here is one of them:



Little scourge has no business looking so damn cute. I released him somewhere perfectly..legal.

The next day we caught the other one. We released that one too. I didn't get pictures, nor any of the mother possum and babies that we caught the next night. Did I mention the baby raccoon a friend and I had to haul out of the dumpster the week before? It's in the middle of the city, but it's like friggin Wild Kingdom over there.

So we had a quiet week and a half. Then the mother of them all, the Devil's Marmot herself, made an appearance yesterday. So I am hog hunting yet again.

My garden is bouncing back nicely though. I am happy and grateful for that.

This is getting very long winded. I'm going to leave with just one last little snippet and then try really hard to come back on later this week. No promises. I'm starting Camp NanoWriMo for the August session tomorrow and will really try to put down 50,000 words. It's more practical in August as happily, the kids will be in camp a lot more this month. Thank God..

So Horst went on holiday. All by himself. He took a plane to Chicago to visit my brother and his family. We considered hiring an escort to help him, but then decided to go with the sink, swim or -get strip searched by Homeland Security because you did something or said something silly to make people think you are a terrorist- approach.

Happily, he made it there and back. My brother, M didn't kill him. Usually, B or I are there as buffers for my brother. We try to lead the conversation so that Horst doesn't say or do anything to embarrass everyone. M, living in Chicago, doesn't get as much practice as we do. Here are the texts that my brother sent to me during my Dad's visit.

##Awkward conversation 1-Dad's battle with Columbia DVD Club

## At K's parent's house for dinner-God help me.

## I'm hoping that H (M's 2 year old son)will dominate the conversation

## I'm already sweating and nothing has happened yet

## Discussion about Munich-painful (Both Horst and K's Dad, my brother's wife, are from Germany)

## Discussion about Geese at Raytheon-god help me

## Work story about a bad breakfast-help

## Dad talking about food shows

## He is killing me

## Nana ordering everything on a pizza?! What the f is he talking about?

## I feel like I am in a time warp-every minute feels like and hour

## Talking about the job-more pain

I texted to ask if they left dinner a little later on he replied

## Yes-amen

The next day he texted to tell me

## Dad-is now caught up in H's favorite show-Mickey Mouse clubhouse

I texted to ask if Dad was talking to the TV, to which he responded:

## Yup

Frozen Peas and Funny Books

I worked 16 hours yesterday. Two things happened frequently during those 16 hours. First, I got a lot of work calls. Second, I ran from heat to air conditioning over and over while running errands for work. The results of my running about with a cell phone tucked between my shoulder and cheek, in the heat and cold, was pain and nausea.

The last several hours of my shift I was pretty useless, which is semi-Ok because everyone at the house I was working at was sleeping, so I could sit there, with a bag of frozen vegetables draped over me to ease my neck pain and cool me down. I was reminded that men stick bags of frozen peas on their crotch after having a vasectomy, but that's irrelevant, except for the fact that I probably looked and felt as hang dog as a guy who just had a vasectomy. I should also add, that I didn't have peas, but a bag of frozen mixed vegetables and that worked just as well.




I am reading this excellent, funny book called, "Lets Pretend This Never Happens" by Jenny Lawton. I read about 200 pages in a very short time and laughed so hard at points that I began to sob uncontrollably. It didn't help my neck or my nausea.

I knew it was going to be good as soon I read the part about the argument between Jenny and her husband on vomiting in a bowl vs.a trash can. I plan on adding it to my small arsenal of really funny books that I use in place of anti-depressants.

You should pick it up if you need a laugh. It's totally worth the 20 bucks. You should also consider using frozen peas instead of an ice pack. Works SO much better.

She's Growing Up

Here is a photo of G from this past spring. That's my friend Kevin's cat. We were at his house taking care of Jinx while he was away. G also dropped off some Girl Scout cookies with a friendly note reminding him to make sure he gets his payment in:



G is a funny kid and has the best sense of humor. I also will add that she has excellent, distinctive taste and can accessorize like....someone who can accessorize really well. I'm not quite comfortable saying my daughter can do anything like a motherfucker.

I was looking at some really cool Barbie dolls that my friend made into Tegan and Sarah dolls for her daughter's birthday and thought of the last time that G had asked me for a doll. She was never into Barbies she is more of a stuffed animal type of gal, but she threw me off completely.

This is because my daughter's childhood experiences and my own are very opposite. Not completely polar opposite. She is not the millionaire child of the king of the world and I didn't grow up the child of a homeless crack whore, but there are some things about me that were very, very different from her at the age of 9.

About 6 months ago, G came to me and asked me for some money from her First Communion that I had put in the bank for her several months before. She said that she wanted an "American Girl" doll. I was shocked. I thumbed through the file in my brain that consisted of my childhood experiences and said, "Aren't you a little old for dolls?" in a puzzled manner. I thought to myself that seeing that she was 8, she would want to be smoking cigarettes soon and would be asking for a lighter or a cheap cigarette trip to New Hampshire. I was 9 when I started.

Needless to say she got the doll. I'm happy that she is growing up much MUCH slower than I am, as are her siblings. It is crazy though, when I look at my children and think of who I was and what I was doing at their age. It makes me happy that they don't have to deal with a lot of the shit, and it makes me a little sad too, because looking back, my childhood wasn't too bad, but there were still things in it that I would never wish to be in my children's lives (or any other kid's for that matter) and that makes me a bit sad.

Sorry for that last downer. It is a very cloudy morning. Off to a 16 hour shift. I hope it's not a shift from Hell.

A Mess, Dogs and Deliverance

I'm a bit of a mess today. I woke up this way(I could totally make up a poem starting with these lines). I think that it's because I got 8 hours of sleep last night. It's way too much and I always seem to function best with around 6 1/2.

I am up to my ears in summer vacation madness. A nasty groundhog is leveling parts of my garden. I have to get into my hive early next week to check on my supers and a myriad of other bee things. I may have some honey to extract. This may necessitate my having to speak to people I do not know. This is probably 99% of the reason why I am a mess today. I either have selective social anxiety or a fear or speaking to other beekeepers I guess.

Brian and I were talking about dogs the other evening. I've already written about my feelings for my dog, Gus(asshole). We were talking about people who take their dogs everywhere with them. I used to do that before I had children, with my wonderful legendary dog Shaz. She died about 5 years ago. Shaz was a once in a lifetime sort of dog. A framed photo of Shaz is in my living room and her collar hangs from the rearview mirror of my car. I jingle the tags from time to time. I took Shaz everywhere because she was well behaved. She would stay out from underfoot and didn't bite or shit everywhere. I also was very mindful of others when I took her places.

The other day I went to the Farmer's Market with one of my clients and managed to trip over 3 dogs, who were sitting right in the middle of where me and probably 10 others at the time needed to be. I had an immediate urge to kick the dogs, but the urge quickly shifted to wanting to kick their owners for putting the silly dog in the way. After all, it's just a dog, who has no concept of the flow of pedestrian traffic. I have a hard time at crowded Farmer's Markets and the dogs (and people) who linger and loiter stress me out. (I realize that that is probably the point, slow food and all, but it still makes me nuts)

Back to that conversation.
Brian told me his boss was taking her dog camping in Maine. He stated that he would never want to take a dog camping. Then he stopped and said that yes, he would want to take a dog, even Gus camping, to protect him from Deliverance-like hillbillies who would like his pretty mouth. (note-Brian NEVER goes camping-he leaves me to do that with the kids-I don't bring the dog, but a basket full of weapons) I reminded Brian that although Gus would protect him from the guys, he would be as helpless as a newborn kitten if the assailants were hillbilly women coming to rape him with dildos or sticks or something. Gus would let the ladies have their way as long as he could stick his nose in their cleavage.
Brian nodded sadly, looking over at Gus who cocked his head stupidly, "I'm afraid you're probably right."

Big Bird

I woke up this morning with a stabbing pain in my side.

I've been up for a little while and it's not as bad. So it's not appendicitis, nor a loop of intestine spontaneously falling into my pelvis. Nor a sideways prolapsed uterus. Just a little gas, perhaps a muscle strain? It's fine now-I can run up and down the stairs standing up straight now, not hunched over like Igor.

My mind is reeling with the amount of things that need to get done today. Most of it involves driving all over the place and picking shit up (and my oldest daughter,from her Dad's house, not wanting to stick her in the same category as shit) But I won't bore you any more.

We went to the Bronx Zoo, on our way to the Jersey Shore on Friday. Brian in a not unkind manner pointed out to me that somehow, I plan all of our family zoo trips on the hottest day of the year. It was 94 degrees. It was probably 100 degrees the time I dragged him to the Memphis Zoo. Actually, now that I think of it, it was probably close to 90 the last time that I was at the Bronx Zoo. A unanimous vote was passed to restrict all zoo trips to Autumn. It was really fucking hot. Happily, we did not collapse nor lose our tempers. The zoo was Ok as far as it is a zoo, and it involves animals in cages, which is pretty sad. Here is a picture of a lovely vulture:



September 2nd is International Vulture Awareness Day, in case you didn't know.

Right next to this very lovely vulture was an Andean Condor. I wish I got a picture. I passed by it, then did a double take. The bird was a really big fucking bird. It's the only way to describe it. Brian and I rechristened it the Holy Shit Bird after watching another group of people walk by, do a double take and I wouldn't be surprised if they too said, "Holy shit! Look at that big fucking bird!" The poor condor, facing away from us, in the coolest shade of his cage, probably rolled his eyes and shook his head. He probably gets that all the time.

Like I said, it's a REALLY big bird. It could probably carry off a grown man.
If you go to the Bronx Zoo, check it out in the Birds of Prey section. Then we can talk about how we both saw the really big fucking bird. Yeah.. Ok.

Back for 2 Seconds Because I'm Being Watched

Shout Hooray! It's July and I came back!

I'm only doing the tiniest of blurbs here today. Just as I decided to start writing, V decided to wake up and watch me. To prevent any blow-ups on my part, I'm going to hand over the computer to this little imp from Hell. I can't do many things while being watched. Of course that threw any hopes of an acting career out the window...I'll be back here tomorrow. Much earlier in the morning and BY MYSELF. (pointed look at V here) So stop by. I'll tell you all about the beginning of my summer vacation, my battle with the blank page, sacrilegious thoughts in church, my newly discovered hatred for dog owners and a really big ass bird.
Until then.

I know I'm supposed to be on blog vacation, but this one was too good to pass up. I should be asleep right now. It's 6:28 AM. I went to bed at 12:45 after a 16 hour shift. I told Horst that I would wake up at 5:50 to bring him to the bus for 6:20. I am up at 5:55. I grab my coat, my coffee and go downstairs to his apartment to find that he already fucking left. His cellphone is not receiving phone calls. I am now sitting on my couch. Awake for the day as I am the type of person who can't go back to bed once they are up. I am seething in anger. I don't understand. I told him I'd do it. I even told him that I would leave the phone by my bed so that if he felt I was running late he would call. I did that. Even if I got up and we left at 6:10AM-we'd still have time to make the bus-it's an easy 4 minute drive to the bus station at this time of the morning ON A SUNDAY.

For the record, there is no way in hell that I am going to get in my car and try to pick him up as he walks down to the bus. Once he leaves the block and I can't see him to call him back, the fucker's on his own. I know what happened too. He waited until 5:45, and then decided I wasn't coming down and took off. It'd be easier to just call me AS PLANNED right? He is most likely not going to make his bus if he waited until 5:45 to start walking. that means he will wait at the bus station for the 7:20 bus.

Good riddance is what I say. I hope a crazy bum decides to befriend him and talk his ear off for the entire wait.

Is this some kind of Father's day retribution? Is he giggling to himself as he walks to the bus station? "Got that bitch this time for all the time she put me through hell." I bet he knows that I'll never go back to bed and am now facing a day of exhaustion.

But if I mention this to him, he will claim to be completely ignorant of the fact that this is kind of a dick thing to do. Then he will bring it up at least several times a day for the next week. Each mention of it will cost me another 2 minutes of my life.

Happy Father's Day. I have always loved this one

Holiday

I'm not going fishing, although that is something I'd like to do sometime.

I'm actually going to take a bit of a blog/Facebook break for the rest of this month. I need to focus my attention on writing that story and getting through the last leg of the June children's events. Then I have to put together a summer routine for myself and my minions that will keep us all from destroying each other until blessed September comes and I can ship them off again for 6 hours a day.

I'll be popping in on Facebook once a day because it is one of my main sources of communication with the outside world. I'll still check my emails too.

If I think of anything interesting or funny, I'll be sure to write it down. When July comes, hopefully I will have lots of things to write about.

Until then..

Talent Show Reject

Well, I was not expecting to even get an honorable mention for that writing contest. But the rejection letter still sucked. I'm going to have a very appropriate 5 minutes to sulk, and then I'll go work on my story because that is what I hear people do in these situations.

G is a funny child. For unknown reasons, she walked around all weekend stating that she loves violent movies and assassins. When I jokingly said that we should take the body of the squirrel, that knocked our power out by jumping into the transformer at 6AM, and nail his body to the tree in the yard as a warning to all other neighborhood squirrels, she loudly and enthusiastically supported the idea. Then yesterday she comes home from school with a certificate rewarding her for "random acts of kindness". I said, "You mean random acts of violence G, this can't be right!" She punched me.

In other news, I slept horribly and my neck hurts on one side. It being the day/night of the big talent show, the kids decided to wake up at 4:30 am. I have mentioned at least twice, both here and on Facebook about my difficulty in getting those fuckers out of bed. If anyone tells the two of them to break a leg, I shall have to say, "Don't tempt me."