Horst Update

I struggled for a bit wondering if it's appropriate to post this on social media, but a lot of you knew Horst from years ago or know him through my posts so I do feel like you guys should get an update. 

Yesterday we were told the tumor is inoperable and we move on to palliative care for the time he has left. We are also making plans to have him come home for as long as he can. 

Thanks to everyone who has sent him good wishes through phone calls, cards and visits. Thank you to everyone who has done that here as well.

I told V today, as I dropped him off at school, that one of the most horrible things about life is that even when something terrible happens, life keeps going on.

The fact that even in the midst of terrible things, life keeps going on in the very face of it, can considered one of the most wonderful things as well.

I'm taking a few days off from here and there as I have so much to do.

Life goes on and my energy is in short supply so I need to conserve it as much as possible to get things done.

Ursula Le Guin put it the best:

"Go on and do your work. Do it well. It is all you can do."

I am off to work. 

Be back soon.

I love you.

PSA

I just wanted to put this out there for you all as a friendly reminder and maybe a pep-talk because you might need to hear this today.

If I accepted the unsolicited opinions of every a-hole who felt the need to impose them upon me.

I definitely wouldn't be here today.

People are mean sometimes (that's an understatement).

They will tell you what they think of you or what you are doing.

They will share their opinions even if you didn't ask for them.

In the grand scheme of things, most people's opinions do not matter, but those words may hurt or bring you down in some way, even though you really don't want them to.

If this is the case,

Don't listen.

If you can't help but listen.

Don't accept it.

Nothing great would ever have been made or accomplished if the people with the ideas accepted the crappy opinions of every shitty naysayer.

I'm not going to accept it and I'm not going to start anytime soon.

Neither should you.

Dig in your heels and say (repeat after me)

Fuck you
I'm doing it anyways.

XOXO

Steve McQueen 2015(?)-2018

Lovely little Steve from his younger days.

If you are curious, I don't think hedgehogs make the greatest pets, although they are VERY VERY cute. Sometimes they are the type that are charming and let you dress them up and rub their little ears and belly.

Steve McQueen was grumpy. He didn't like to be handled, but it was fun to hear his little grunts of protest when we picked him up.

Hedgehogs also need an exercise wheel. They will run on it all night, with no consideration for the rest of the house trying to sleep. Steve went through 2 exercise wheels before I found a good one that lasted.

They also poop and pee while running.

I'll leave the rest to your imagination.

I will admit that I did enjoy his occasional, middle of the night,  yodeling. It scared the heck out of me at first but when I learned it is actually a sign of contentment, I found it charming.

For the first 2 seconds.

Then I was more of "we know you're happy now shut the hell up!"

If I had known how common cancer was in hedgehogs, I may have thought twice before bringing him home.

But done bun can't be undone and I did.

Steve lived and Steve died last night in V's arms.

It was a good way to go.

His last few days were not pretty, he had developed a tumor that quickly got worse. I won't go into detail about that.

We did what we would do for anyone at the end.

We kept him warm, we held him. Made sure he was clean and dry. We fed him water and food through an eyedropper for as long as he would take it.

All yesterday he was barely conscious. It was cold so we cradled him with a hot water bottle.

We played with his ears and stroked the soft fur on his belly. But only a little bit.

It seemed disrespectful to take too much advantage.

We told him he was a good hog and we loved him.

Forgive me for anthropomorphizing, It was more to make us feel better than him.

Sometimes I think that it's not so much Death that is cruel, but Life, by refusing to give up just yet.

It was so in Steve McQueen's case anyways.

Von brought him to me when he woke up. He was back, he looked at us and raised his head. I told Von to give him a little water.

Von called me in alarm when he started tensing up.

We held him until he was still.

I had to tell Von earlier that he needed to stop hoping that he will pull through and to start waiting for the end.

There has to come that time when you give up. It's not necessarily a bad thing. It's just knowing that it is time and accepting it.

I was glad I did. When it happened, he was ready for it.

Last night I sewed Steve McQueen up into a funerary shroud of white muslin.

Later on, when the weather is a bit better we will send him off on a pyre, Conan the barbarian style.

The ground is too frozen for burial and anyways,  it seems rather fitting to send him off in such a way.

Meanwhile, Steve McQueen lies in his shroud, nestled safely in Horst's freezer.

I'm sure that Von will not let us forget to send him off properly before Horst's return.

It's wouldn't be good if we did, because wrapped up like that he looks just like a burrito...

Steve McQueen 2015-2018
Safe travels boy.

Storm

Hard boiled eggs and bacon. Throw in some muffins and make sure that the coffee pot is full.

That is the foundation of my storm preparedness.

Sand and shovels obviously. Due to ice melt's tendency to disintegrate my front steps, we avoid that.

One of the things I worry about the most for storm preparedness is a source for cooking and heating water. I firmly believe that if you are able to boil water during the apocalypse, then the dying desiccated world full of raving hordes is your oyster.

 I also hate storing propane tanks and whatnot.

I found this really cool thing on a beekeeping page called a Kelly Kettle. You can boil water, cook simple meals, etc. on a small fire base with paper, dried leaves, twigs or whatever you may have handy. The ultimate set comes with with all of the attachments that neatly stack together to be placed in a carry bag.

Perfect.

I asked for it for Christmas, but since B doesn't buy anything on the internet I had to get it for myself. For unknown reasons, he wanted nothing to do with my present, so I also had to receive the package and because I didn't want to look at it until Christmas day, tie the box it was delivered in, with a seasonally appropriate bow.

My friend Emily and I took it for a test spin the other afternoon. It worked great, although it is important to have a good supply of twigs, pinecones etc. to keep it going. I hoard bags of such things for my smoker (for the bees) so it's definitely not a problem.

If the power goes out, which Kelly Kettle or no, I definitely hope it does NOT, I will have no shame in delivering B's steaming hot mug of coffee with a big, shit eating, "I told you so!" grin on my face.

                                                              

=

We finished wrapping beehives yesterday, in the hopes that the extra bit of insulation will help them get through the cold thats coming after this storm. Sadly, due to time constraints we were unable to take the Kettle out for a second run...

I love Winter and have no problem with a snow storm. I'm ok with the cold personally. But I'm worried for the bees. It's already been a hard winter and we have just started. I've done all I can without disturbing them. I'll make some corrections when warmer weather arrives next week and hope for the best.

My favorite thing in The Last Jedi was when Yoda told Luke "The greatest teacher failure is." This whole previous season for me was filled with lesson after lesson. Totally sucked, but I learned. Learning.

This is the worst season for beekeeping. You basically wallow in dread and second guess everything you did to prepare the colonies for winter until spring arrives. Then you assess the damage and start all over again. Sometimes from scratch.

I guess we will have to see what lessons this storm, as well as the rest of the winter, has in store.

Stay well and warm if you are in New England. I'm off to pick up dog doo before it gets covered in snow, study, shovel and look up how to heat a room with a clay pot and a votive candle.

Thanks for coming by!

If you want to check out the Kelly Kettle, the link is here:
https://www.kellykettleusa.com

Happy New Year!

It certainly has been awhile...

Both the number of postings and my reading list for this year are very skimpy.  2017 has both kept me away from the things I love the most and also brought me to things that I love the most. I am thankful for it all.

The ending months were a whirlwind. Horst's cancer and the need to prepare for his return with a remodel of his apartment, on top of my excessive demands at work (On call 24/7) not to mention the needs of my family, left me a complete mess. I've had years of excellent therapy, so I presented myself well (at least I think so), but I started to forget things, couldn't focus and had anxiety attacks that either went on for days or would start and stop at the drop of a hat.

I felt like I was drowning. Something had to give.

I read this story once about this man walking by a farm house. He hears this awful howling. He asks the farmer, who is sitting on the porch, what was causing the terrible howling. The farmer replies that it was his dog, sitting on a nail. The man asks why the dog doesn't just sit up and get off it.
The farmer replies, "Doesn't hurt enough yet."

I finally got up off my nail and asked for help. My doctor took me out of work.

It was one less thing. One less very big thing that allowed me to deal with a lot of shit. Do a lot of thinking. Peel away layers of shit. Silencing many demons that whispered awful things into my ears.

No hard feelings to my demons, they just wanted to keep me safe, but they were holding me back.
As demons do.

I am thankful for the time I've been gifted and I hope that I am using it well. I've been resting and thinking, but also preparing for the many big changes lie ahead for me.

The coming changes are terrifying but,  now that I am up off the nail, why stop there?

I am hoping that this year brings me to my keyboard and into beehives more often and to more good books. Most importantly, I'm hoping 2018 continues to bring me into the company of those I love the most, my family and my friends (who are all really one in the same).  I love you and thank you.

I hope this coming year brings you all whatever you are hoping for. Thanks for coming by and reading my little blog.

It's time for the annual list. Same rules apply, asterisk for the really good ones and yes I include graphic novels. I've gotten to the point where if I don't like a book I don't finish it so you can safely assume I would recommend any one of these. I did not add anything I did not finish by the 31st.  I put everything on GoodReads this year and was really bad about recording them. 2018 I think I will go back to writing them down in my journal as well.

And now, my reading list for 2017:

 1. The Little Book of Hygge (Wiking)
 2. The Golem and The Jinni (Wecker) re-read*
 3. The Fate of The Tearling (Johansen)
 4. Norse Mythology (Gaiman)
 5. Shadow and Claw (Wolfe)
 6. A Conjuring of Light (Schwab)
 7. Saga vol. 7 (Vaughn & Staples)******
 8. Strange The Dreamer (Taylor)
 9.  The Library At Mount Char (Hawkins)  re-read*
10. Queen Rearing Essentials (Connor)
11. The Vegetarian (Han)
12. Presence (Cuddy)
13. 100 Plants to Feed The Bees (Xerces Society)
14. Six Of Crows (Bardugo)**
15. Garden Plants For Honey Bees (Lindtner)
16. The Sound Of Language (Malladi)
17. Gifts (Le Guin)**
18. Increase Essentials (Connor)
19. Crooked Kingdom (Bardugo)**
20. Ubik (Dick)
21. How To Get Dressed (Freer)**
22. Voices (Le Guin)
23. The Eyes Of The Dragon (King) re-read
24. The Language Of Thorns (Bardugo)**
25 and 26.  Station Eleven (St. John-Mandel) **********
27. Slade House (Mitchell)
28. You Can Buy Happiness (Strobel)
29. Annihilation (VanderMeer)
30. Simple, Smart Beekeeping (Shoshanna-Traynor)
31. Saga vol. 8 (Vaughn & Staples)**
32. Good Omens (Pratchett and Gaiman) re-read**
33. The Honey Month (El-Mohtar)***********

Thanks for reading and I wish you and yours the Happiest of  New Year's!

Public Service Announcement

Cautionary tale folks,

Went to a Citizen's Bank this afternoon and since the line was so long, I used the ATM to make a deposit. 

The machine took my card, sucked in 2 $100 dollar bills, then proceeded to freeze. 

The tellers were able to retrieve my card but I have to wait until Tuesday to get my money back as that is when they reconcile all the money in the machine.

It should show an overage of that amount (I HOPE)

Needless to say, I was pissed off beyond belief. 

I don't blame the people who work at Citizen's and I was as polite as I could possibly be and they were very apologetic.

The money was birthday money I was using to pay off a credit card charge for a pair of boots. 

Imagine if that money was for something absolutely essential?

Some sort of payment that needed to be made

Money that needed to be in my account that day or first thing Monday morning.

I would be shit out of luck.

I'm grateful that I'm in a position where the temporary loss of that money is merely a minor inconvenience.

So, if you happen to be in a position where a deposit of cash or checks is a matter of the utmost importance, a matter of life or eviction,

DON'T USE THE ATM. 

(Remember Terminator? The machines hate you. Every last one of them.)

Wait in line. 

Get a printed receipt.

From a person.

I don't think that the convenience that would have saved me maybe 10-15 minutes of waiting was worth the two hundred bucks I may or may not get back in 3 days

While you are at it, if your friend gives you a tube of homemade lip balm to try,

Do not text them several hours later to tell them, as a joke, that you had an allergic reaction and your lips have swelled 2x their normal size.

It was right after that moment that my day went downhill so you could argue that I had that coming to me and I would agree that you are probably right.

Moral of the story: Don't have a machine do the work of an actual person if it's really important and bad jokes only bring bad karma.

Don't Stop Believing

Don't Stop Believin' by Journey came on this morning as I was driving the kids to school.

A few weeks ago, bored during a hockey game, I forced her into a duet when the same song came on.

"G!" I exclaimed, turning the volume up, "It's our song!"

After singing along loudly for a few verses, I informed her that I was planning on playing this song at  top volume every time I picked her up from any where.  I told her it will get to the point where if any of her friend's hear that song in the distance, they will say, "Here comes G's mother!"

I looked over at her and removed the hand closest to her from the wheel to ward off any sudden blows and reminded her that it was against the rules to hit the driver.

"I am punching you in my head." was her curt reply.

Happy New Year!

We started out New Years Eve Day with a trip to Bass Pro and plans for more later things to do later in the evening.

Here is Von posing with the turtles of Bass Pro.

We had an excellent time shutting down the people selling cheap vacations that involve sitting in on a time share promo.

We endured the time share selling rodeo back in June and won't be doing that again anytime soon, thank you very much.

Happily, Brian and I are now quite immune to the "hard sell" after an incident several years ago where we ended up with several well-doctored family portraits on Irish linen that are sitting in various locations of our house collecting dust.

One asshole even tried to refer to me as "young lady" in order to get me to speak to him.

Refer to me as "young lady" and I will definitely not buy your product

But I will definitely fantasize about punching you in the money maker.

So we started at Bass Pro and ended here:

Does Von know how to party or what?

Just looking at the size of that bag of fluids makes me want to void. 

So all joking aside, and I know this smacks of typical social media overshare, but the reason why I am in fact sharing this is because look.

Look how quickly things can take a turn.

Shit like this can happen in a matter of seconds.

I am fortunate as is Von and our family. We honestly thought he was having a stroke. Turned out to be a kind of migraine that has similar symptoms.

He is OK. We made it home just before midnight.

Von rang in the New Year sound asleep and I rang it in at my usual post, sleeping on the couch.

So folks, remember how quickly life can take a turn and if you think you have it bad now, just wait a few minutes.

Appreciate anything that you have that you can appreciate.

Especially your loved ones.

So to start off the New Years I would like to say to all of my loved ones who are reading this-

"I love you very very much to all of you out there that I am so fucking fortunate to have in my life. I love you and appreciate the shit out of you. Thank you for putting up with me."

And I love the rest of you just for being here.

And now we got that out of the way, back to my traditional New Years Day Posting

I did not read as many books as I would have liked to this year.

I read a lot of crap books which I am almost embarrassed to list, I think it was the state of my mind at the time.

Like the time I read all of the 50 Shades of Grey books and blamed it on having the Lyme disease.

I will blame work stress on this year's crappy choices.

Next year I hope to make some changes and again be able to have more time to read.

I gotta warn you though, next year probably 50% of what will be on the list will be bee related books as I am now actively studying so I can try for a Master Beekeeper certification at EAS next summer.

 2016 Reading List

1. Sex Tips from Rock Stars
2. Saga vol 1******
3. Can We Talk About Something More Pleasant?*** (Got a hoarder in your family? Read this-you are not alone.)
4. Saga vol 2******
5. Sandman Overture
6. White Line Fever
7. Saga vol 3******
8. Saga vol 4******
9. Saga vol 5******
10. Revival
11. The Green Mile-The Two Dead Girls
12. The Green Mile-The Mouse on The Mile
13. The Green Mile-Coffey's Hand
14. The Green Mile-Night Journey
15. The Green Mile-The Bad death of Edward Delacroix
16. The Green Mile-Coffey on The Mile
17. The Library At Mount Char-********I re-read this book 3 times for a total of 4 
18. A Gathering Of Shadows
19. Come Closer
20. Fuck It
21. Whole 30 
22. Ten Grand vol 1***
23. Ten Grand vol 2***
24. Equal Rites*******
25. Ten Grand vol 3***
26. Wyrd Sisters********
27. The Ballad of Black Tom
28. The Art of Asking
29. Remember Why You Fear Me 
30. In a Dark Dark Woo
31. Saga vol 6******
32. The Hundred Thousand Kingdoms**
33. Honeybees and Their Maladies
34. Me Before You
35. The City of Mirror
36. Court of Fives***
37. The Devourers-******** read this one 2x
38. The Queen of The Tearling******* I read this one 2x
39. The Poisoned Blade
40. Obelisk Gate
41. The Invasion of The Tearling-*******I read this 2x
42. Redemption In Indigo*********
43. Brooklyn
44. The Sting of The Wild********-I love this guy
45. Dark Harvest
46. Jaran***
47. The Beauty vol 1
48. The Golem and The Jinni******

So actually, if you count me re-reads I read 54 books for the year. 

Not too bad for a busy lady. 

I would say my hands down favorites for the year were The Library At Mount Char,  The Devourers and Redemption and Indigo

Followed by the Tearling Books and Sting of The Wild. 

And if you get a chance for fuck's sake please start reading Saga (I have them all. If I like you and trust you to keep my babies safe until you return them, I will let you borrow them).

Happy and Healthy New Years

Be sure to enjoy and appreciate these last 20 days!

Solstice wishes

Happy Winter Solstice! 

It is the longest night of the year. 

It has been said by some Druid-y types that the solstice is the most important day, as it is the day we welcome in the new sun. 

Starting tomorrow, although it is hard to tell, the days will slowly start to get longer and longer and soon enough we will return to sunnier, warmer times. 

There will be dark days ahead I am sure. 

But on this, the day of the longest night of the year, I want to take a moment to send much light and warmth to my loved ones. 

I am truly blessed and grateful to have you all in my life. 

Thank you.

(and I just puked a little in my mouth....)

Happy Solstice!

Thinking Bout Barb

I meant to write something post election and I am still trying to figure that out.

 I am skipping that this morning in favor of writing about my mother.

Today marks the 15th anniversary of Barbara's passing.

I have been without a mother for quite some time now.

I have been thinking about her quite often lately.

I remember her at the same age I am today.

I know that she wanted more and it just never happened for her.

I like to think that I got a lot of really great things from my mom.

My mother, Barbara, was a good person, a wonderfully kind person.

Barbara was accepting of anyone and everyone.

Barbara would give you the shirt off her back.

In that way, I wish that there were more people out there like my mother.

We all have inherited many of the same traits that our parents possessed.

Some of them no so desirable.

Barbara lacked the confidence in her self so much, that all she could do was watch TV and read books that she never finished.

There were so many things that she couldn't do or just never did.

My mother was afraid to try.

Our lives are drastically different but at the same time, the similarities are there and very striking.

I realized that recently and it scared me.

Those traits, those behaviors, have sneaky ways.

Before you know it, you will realize that the same things that held your parents back from actually having a happy life are the very same things that have been holding you back as well.

My life and the way my mother's life ended up are very different but at the same time, the similarities are there and very striking.

I'm working on that.

I've been working on that.

Consider it my life's project.

So I ask you, today, the day of Barbara's passing, to think of her if you could.

Be extra kind today

Be extra tolerant and accepting of the people around you.

And maybe, take a look at your own, sneaky patterns of behavior in your life that are holding you back or hurting you or someone close to you.

Think about fixing them.

I think Barbara would like that.


 

Gourd Cult

Repeat after me:

When you look into the display of decorative squash, 

The decorative squash looks into you.

You do not choose the mutant gourd.

The mutant gourd chooses you.

You do not reap the freaky-assed harvest.

The freaky-assed harvest reaps you.

Happy Fall.

3 word Motivation

**Please forgive my typos as this is a pre-work post**

I hate sports.

When people first start dating, they usually will try to hide some of their more unsavory characteristics from their partner, at least for the first six months.

B hid a thing or two.

I hid my hatred for sports.

It started when I was little. I grew up in a house of sports fans.

If there was a game on, my shows, my cartoons would be changed to whatever stupid sport was on.

I decided then and there, that I would never like sports.

Purely out of spite and stubbornness. (I get this trait from Horst)

Lo and behold, I married a sports fan.

I read a lot now.

With all the sports, TV is often unavailable.

But I'm not here to talk about my dislike of any and all sports.

I am here to talk about the stubbornness thing.

It has been a bad few months.

You know that old saying, "No good deed goes unpunished"

That happened and I was given a task that I did not want, do not like and really has brought me down in many ways.

My anxiety has been through the roof.

I am very unhappy in my present situation.

I have a long term plan and changes are coming soon.

But not soon enough for the way that I have been feeling.

(By the way, this does not have anything to do with my domestic situation, still happy with B, despite his love of sports... You can do the math, if you like)

The past few days have been the worst,  I was low.

I was done, I was so close to walking away.

It is definitely not the time to do that, but I couldn't bear another second.

Then, this little feeling grew.

An angry defiant little feeling

It blossomed overnight.

I am for the first time, ready to face the day without a knot of anxiety in my stomach.

Sometimes, when you have exhausted all of your energy that comes from the usual channels, you can find new resolve to stay the course from anger, spite and stubborn resolve.

Today, as I go about my business, doing what I have to do, I have three little words that will keep me going.

If you are at your wits end, ready to throw in the towel, and you have to just keep going because there is no other choice, please feel free to use them as well.

In your head, out loud, up to you.

Today I just have to keep going, this next year, this last year,  I'm still here,

because fuck you.

Pride and Time

How enjoyable my day off will be, is measured by how many early morning work calls I receive and whether or not I get shit on my hands while picking up after the dogs during our early morning walk.

I got the call but managed to avoid the shit.

Barely, but I did it.

I have that new puppy. Time for me is now measured in the increments that Klaus is in his crate and when he is not.

On Sunday August 28th, 10:00 am, I dropped Horst off at the airport for his 12:20 flight to Chicago. He was off to visit my brother and his family for two weeks.

Later on that evening, I shaved his cat.

The fur on her back had tangled into a turtle shell shaped mass that could have probably stopped bullets if I let it go any longer.

On Sunday September 4th,  B and I spent the entire day dusting and steam cleaning the rugs in his apartment.

This task cannot be completed while Horst is present, so once a year, we take the opportunity to do so while he is away.

Here is a list of the things I found:

• an electric cat comb. 
• A "self-groomer" that consists of an oversized pipe cleaner attached to a wooden base. The feline is compelled through magic or otherwise, to walk under the device and groom itself, leaving the pet owner to do many other useful things things with the 2 minutes that would have been wasted running a brush through the cat's fur. 
• 3 sandwich press machines
• 3 electric skillets
• a myriad of other devices that seem to exist to either save time or somehow make the user's life easier. These items best not be named lest I write the wrong thing and invoke a malevolent deity.
• His used Ziplock bag collection-which he hid in a different spot this year, thinking I wouldn't find them.
• Assorted sizes of old and stained Rubbermaid containers. I discarded them in the hopes that it would encourage him to use the brand new containers he has languishing in his cupboards.
• A small population of grain weevils living in his pet food bin. This was a change from last year, in which a small civilization of Carpet Beetles had established itself inside the used Ziplock bin.

All of the gadgets mentioned were either beneath a thick layer of dust or still brand new, encased in their original packaging. 

I believe now that Horst has been heavily influenced by the Jetson's and wishes that we lived in a world in which we can press a button and presto! our tasks are completed by a machine.

Between Aug 28th and Horst's return on September 10th, B and I logged in at least 16 hours of cleaning, cat care and grooming as well as shopping for Horst's apartment. We spent an estimated $200.00 on new pillows for his couch, cat items and cleaning equipment. 

But all in all, I will say that the whole process was far less painful then last year's apartment purge.

Just like last year, we did not receive a "thank you" for any of these things. 

That is fine. 

I learned a long time ago that this is not due to Horst being unkind, but because it is very awkward and difficult for him to either express gratitude or to apologize. 

He is a prideful man.

On Saturday, September 10th, I had to apologize for throwing away his dirty tupperware. We had left Horst with only subpar containers in which to make his vast amounts of deli salads. 

On Sunday, September 11th,  I passed beyond the rage membrane to a sort of murderous serenity while Horst explained to me at length, over Sunday dinner, why you can't run a dehumidifier in a basement with the window open on a humid day. (The window was closed the whole time the device was running in his apartment, I will add.)

Horst loves feeling superior. As I said, he is a prideful man.

Nothing gives him greater joy than to grasp an opportunity to point out a problem or where you went wrong.

He also absolutely loves it when you have to ask him for something.

Perhaps when it gets closer to Thanksgiving I will tell you all about how I purchase cranberry sauce out of spite.

On Tuesday, September 13th, I hung my head and made my walk of shame down to the basement to fetch one of his gadgets. 

You see, as I was cooking, a piece of kielbasa fell between the stove and the wall. In moving the stove, my toast inside a toaster salt and pepper shaker fell behind the stove. 

The only way to retrieve it was with Horst's special rubber tipped grabber tongs. 

You have no idea how much joy it would bring to my father, knowing that I needed one of the same  gadgets that I always complain about. 

My joy rests in never ever letting him know.

Rule of Thumb Vol 1

Here is some good, solid advice.

If you are about to make an observation about another person and feel the need to start with a disclaimer sentence, in which you have to say something along these lines:

"If I tell you something, promise you won't get mad..."

"Promise me your feelings won't be hurt..."

"I don't want to upset you but..."

The tiny moment before you begin that sentence is the best time to stop talking. 

Imbolc

Happy Imbolc!

Traditionally celebrated on February 1st, although sometimes earlier or later, depending on the onset of lambing season and the blooming of blackthorn.

It is a day for cleaning and purification, visits to holy wells and the lighting of candles to symbolize the return of Spring.

The goddess Brigid is invited into the home-she representing the coming days of light. Meals of traditional foods are set aside for her and occasionally a bed will be made for the Goddess as well.

Like Groundhog day, which comes tomorrow, it is also a day to divine the weather for the coming weeks and whether or not there will be an early Spring.

Legend says, the Cailleach, divine hag, dark opposite to Brigid's light, will make the weather on this day bright and sunny, if she wishes to make Winter last longer.

The nice weather allowing her to gather firewood for the rest of the cold season.

If the weather on Imbolc is foul, it means the Cailleach is asleep and Winter will be over soon.

Judging by the beautiful weather today, we are surely fucked.

3 Distinct Things on a Thursday

Sometimes there are things that I really want to write about on here.

Then life gets on the way and they remain unwritten.

Please bear with me guys-my writing muscle has become very flabby over the past few weeks.

I really wanted to do this post on Thursday, January 28th.

There were three very distinct things about that day.

By the time I got out of work Thursday, I was a quivering mass of tired jelly that still had to make dinner and walk the dog.

By the time I was done, it was straight to bed to read comics for me.

(Who recommended that I read Saga? I can't remember who, but I love that person.)

Friday I worked again and there were important things to do.

Saturday-more work? Yes, please and thank you.

Now that you have heard all of my lame ass excuses,

Here is Thursday's post for today.

The 30th anniversary of the Challenger shuttle disaster was on Thursday.

It is interesting how an anniversary or getting news of someone's passing can invoke such a strong image of the past.

I was almost 12 and in the 6th grade.

Fifth and sixth grade were the height of my "school phobia" years.

Some therapist actually "diagnosed me" with school phobia.

Not entirely true.

I had (still have) anxiety issues involving anticipation, coupled with the fact that almost (almost) all of the people I went to school with were complete assholes.


I was in my parent's bed watching TV, having been successful in playing sick so that I didn't have to go to school again.

I watched the crash over and over that day, not quite believing that all of those astronauts would be found dead.

Back then my family had 3 channels on the bedroom TV.  6, 10, 12 and then the UHF channels, but I can't remember how many we had of those, maybe 2 or 3.

I remember growing increasingly impatient with the constant barrage of news coverage on almost all of those channels.

There appeared to be no escape from the bad news.

The next day at school one of my teachers assigned us to follow the story and write about it.

Much to my dismay.

Needless to say, I was not all that emotionally invested in the situation.

Blame it on my age at the time.

I have never been much of a current events/current disaster person.

I can't really stomach the whole: " Let us hunker down around the TV while the news vomits up the most recent catastrophe".

Over and over and over.

That's my husband's job.

He hunkers and watches. I do other things.

****************                          

Buddy Cianci died Thursday.

He did a lot of great things for Providence.

I started taking the bus up every weekend to Providence, to visit friends and see bands, about 30 years ago, around the same time of the Challenger disaster.

At the time, Providence was a wasteland of train tracks and empty buildings.

But the music scene was amazing.

The city is pretty amazing now.

Downtown where the train tracks once were is a beautiful park and river walk.

We used to cross over the tracks to get from the bus station to the old Living Room.

The music scene now feels like a barren wasteland.

All of the clubs are gone for the most part. Bands play sporadically.

It's really sad.

Back to Buddy.

I don't do politicians. I don't do politics.

That is my husband's job as well.

He keeps up to date on all of the political happenings.

I do something else.

I embrace a George Carlin-esqe view of politicians and politics and I leave it there.

I try to vote for the best candidate but --refer back to George Carlin on voting--.

I ask my husband and he tells me who to vote for.

I never met Buddy, although I met his daughter on several occasions.

Hearing of Buddy's death brought out more memories.

I was fortunate enough to see both of Shep Fairey's doctored Buddy Cianci billboards, first hand.

The Andre the Giant one.

It took a bit to remember what happened or what I was doing the day I saw it.

But it came back.

I was on the bus driving past.

It was brilliant-I laughed out loud.

I was visiting School One that day.

I went to School One in 88-89.

Due to finances, I couldn't go back to school the following year and I didn't go to school for the first 6 months of my Sophomore year.

That day was right before I had to go back to Middletown High School.

I think I had to start the next day even.

I was so sad.

But that billboard...

My friend Heather remembered Buddy's daughter Nicole, who also went to School One, running about trying to find out who did that to her father's billboard.

Everyone knew it was Shep, not a one said a word.

I remember it now.

I remember Nicole. I didn't speak to her that day.

I honestly never liked her. But I won't speak ill and all. I didn't really know her.

I also had the privilege of seeing Shep's second Buddy Cianci billboard.

I happened to be up in Providence overnight at a friend's and I was walking down College Hill to the bus station to catch a bus to Newport.

It was a Roger William's Zoo billboard featuring the naked mole rat.

It said "The Naked Mole Rat-As if being a rat was bad enough"

There was a picture along side the words of a large, pink, naked mole rat.

Someone (Shep, of course) had pasted a picture of Buddy Cianci over the face of the mole rat.

 I wish I had a camera. I laughed all the way to the bus station and for the entire bus ride home.

Any one have a picture of it??

I've been searching with no success.

************

I offered G fifty dollars if she would dress as Lemmy for Halloween

She said no.

I told her that I had all the stuff to do it and she could totally pull it off.

I told her that she would walk around on Halloween and people would be yelling out "LEMMY!!!"

I told her it would be the greatest.

Can you see it? The hair. The scowl. They could be related.

I shoved my phone in the face of G's best friend, who was watching the entire exchange with a slightly alarmed look on her face.

As she does when I go on one of my silly rants.

"C'mon, don't you think she could pull it off?"

"I..I don't know?"

From there I went into a long winded sermon about how awesome it was when I was growing up.

For the entire time that I rambled on, I had their attention.

The shows and the music.

The bands that would come and hang out in the crowd after they played.

The bands that I met.

There was a place to be and things to do-every damn weekend.

I came in probably at the beginning of the end in many ways, but it was still such an amazing time to grow up.

I can't even do it justice here, how it was.

Maybe some day I can explain it better, but those of you who grew up with me, during that time, get it.

It was amazing.

The music in those dingy, smelly clubs gave us all a place to be.

An identity.

A distraction, however brief, from the bullshit of childhood and young adulthood.

I wish my kids could have even the tiniest bit of that.

(Minus the drinking and other things in the parking lot before the show of course).

Music saves.

Punk rock music saved my life.

I have no doubt.

Music still saves my life.

Every day.

Lemmy was the embodiment of that for me.

I think he was for a lot of people.

Thursday, Jan 28th was the month anniversary of his passing.

Recalling the Challenger disaster, a politician's death, even the very sad death of David Bowie,

Pales in comparison to how gutted I felt when I heard the news.

I'm really sad that I never got to see Motorhead live.

I'm going to steal a quote from my friend Brendan, who always writes this when someone passes,

It's fitting and it's my favorite.

Safe travels Lemmy, I'm so sad to see you go.

I'd also like to say with all the respect, admiration and love that I can muster for a person that I have never met,

You will remain, always, the one and only musician that I would have thrown my panties on stage for.

Happy New Year

Please note the diaper, what every Times Square New Year's Eve reveler needs

I ended the old year with a really crappy day.

Not a complete loss mind you, but the day was filled with short tempers and work, a lost wallet (not mine thankfully) and a very late dinner-followed by more work and a bit too much sugar, once I located a nearly forgotten bag of Hershey kisses.

I did manage to listen to a lot of Moorhead and watch Better Off Dead, (nothing makes a crap day better than Ricky's mom).

I dozed in a chair and woke up just enough to watch the ball drop as the crowd of people in Times Square who were unable to relieve themselves for the past 12 hours cheered.

It made me laugh imagining that everyone in that crowd was wearing adult undergarments, which had to be fairly heavy by midnight.

Cheers to the poor sanitation workers who probably had to clean up many bottles filled with yellow liquid. (I read that there are no bathroom facilities in Times Square while you wait in one spot for hours to see the ball drop-it's amazing what people will put themselves through.)

I went to bed listening to the sounds of my asshole neighbors lighting either bombs or fireworks outside my window.

Before I slipped into slumber, I wished every last one of them to be cursed with inconvenient and intense anal itch forever and ever.

Last year wasn't a great year, but it was ok. My word for last year was "finish" and I managed to finish a totally crappy first draft of a book, so there was that-I have probably written another 2 books of revisions but I am ok with that. A few people I knew and was fond of passed on, some people were born.

I have bees by my front door, which was probably the best part of the year. Along with that new Mad Max movie.

I finished a few short stories. I read many books. I was able to keep a journal consistently. I rediscovered a lot of bands I used to love. I had a fangirl moment where my favorite author personally recommended a whole bunch books for me to read via Twitter.

I broke my foot and my job is worse than ever. But it is what it is right? I have a job, I make decent money and it serves a good purpose-although being on call 24-7 means there is no escape.

For 2016-there will be change. That something that's gotta will give. Straws will break the back of many camels. Whether it is good or not so great-there will be some changes I am sure. My current status quo is too meh at the moment.

My word for the 2016 year is "no".

Also in this coming year, I will try and be a little less cynical, especially with those around me. I will try and appreciate all the gifts that my loved ones bring to my life.

Like Horst for example, living with my father gifts me with a whole new appreciation for linoleum or concrete floors, especially ones with drains in the middle. Yes and hoses too. (see my Labor Day weekend live tweet event in which Brian and I cleaned his apartment)

I started off this morning right.

I was up early. I finished and submitted my short story to the wonderful writing group that I belong to.

I wished a Happy New Year to my beehives by knocking on the wood with my ear pressed to the side-I was greeted with angry buzzing from inside. It's music to my ears-they are still alive. I am hoping for them to make it through the winter-I'm hoping for more bees this year. And maybe a bigger garden-as long as I don't break any bones again.

I am writing this-I miss writing posts-this will be a year of more posts and more writing. I have missed you guys.

Before I go, here is my annual New Years Day list of books I have read this past year. There are asterisks for the really good ones-I may try to put all of the books on GoodReads and Pinterest but for now, this will do. I enjoyed all of the books-I no longer have time for ones that don't interest me-I just don't finish them and I didn't bother to include them.

1. My True Love Gave To Me *
2. The War of Art***
3. The Darkest Part of The Forest
4. The Troop
5. The Mime Order
6. The Deep-actually I lied-I quit this one halfway through
7. The Bone Clocks
8. Trigger Warning ***
9. The Color of Magic**
10. The Wee Free Men***
11. The Wind Through The Keyhole**
12. Dragons Of Autumn Twilight (this was a re-read from when I was younger-plain awful-I lied again-I still read crappy books to the end sometimes)
13.The Beastkeeper
14. The Spirit Thief
15. The Gospel Of Loki ******
16. The Interrogation of Ashala Wolf
17. Winter smith**
18. When The Red Sea Rises
19. The Hellhound Heart
20.The Scarlet Gospels
21. The Goblin Emperor *****
22. A Darker Shade of Magic
23. I Shall Wear Midnight ***
24. House of Sand and Secrets
25. Get In Trouble ***
26. North American Lake Monsters**
27. Archivist Wasp
28. One good Dragon Deserves Another
29. Wyrd Sisters *****
30. Witches Abroad **********
31. Vicious
32. Runemarks
33. The Light Fantastic
34. The Song of Achilles ********
35. Howl's Moving Castle *******
36. The Fifth Season *******
37. The Traitor Baru Comorant ****
38. Fables 20
39. Fables 21
40. Brief Lives (Sandman)
41. The Wake (Sandman)
42. Preacher
43. Don Juan (the Carlos Castaneda one)
44. Rot and Ruin
45. Cramps The Yule Lord (not as good I sincerely wished it would be)
46. Lips Touch Three Times *********
47. Bazaar of Bad Dreams.

I am also halfway finished with "Remember Why You Fear Me" which is a fantastic book of short stories.

There were a bunch that I started but didn't finish because I ran out of time on the library Kindle thingamabob and others that I couldn't get into.
I'm going to shoot for at least 52 but maybe 52 next year. I have a huge "to-read" list but welcome any more ideas.

What was your favorite? Book music movie or whatever.

I hope you had many favorite things last year

 I wish for you all to have a coming year full of many more favorite things.

Happy New Year!!!

Airport

The thing to know about my eldest daughter is that when she is excited and nervous, she becomes a dick. 

The thing to know about me, is that when I am tired and hungry orwhen you talk to me while I am driving (it is my favorite thinking time) I become a dick

The car making its way through early morning traffic to Boston, so Lyd could catch a flight, was full of dicks.

After parking in the lot and finding where the fuck we were supposed to be, we limped our way to her terminal. Driving so far hurts my still healing foot.

Lyd is afraid of escalators and we only had the escalator option at one point. I won't deny that I was frustrated and did refer to the escalator as a "motherfucking escalator" as I urged her to get on it.

The other escalators we had to take had a steep stair option running along side them. While taking the escalator, when I passed Lyd as she trudged up the stairs, it was very difficult for me not to smile at her and give her the finger as I smoothly moved past her and up.

I didn't do it, but the thought made me laugh. The laughter turned my morning around. I stopped feeling like a dick.

It has been a rough summer in many ways despite her any achievements. Sometimes I firmly believe that the human animal is wired for hardcore parenting for about 16 years. After that you really start to understand why some creatures eat their offspring. 

I have been hardcore parenting Lyd for 21 years at the end of this month.

I am sitting in a little cafe overlooking the plane she is on while I write this. She will be gone for a week and it will be a much needed break for all of us. 

I will sit here until the plane takes off. Although I need this break, although I am tired and although have entertained the thought of driving her off in a snarling rage or even perhaps consuming her (actually no) I will never stop being her parent. 

So I sit here and wait

Balls

In some traditions, at a birth, an important family member will whisper some special first words into the child's ear.

Usually they are certain prayers or words of welcome.

At this moment in my life I would not be at all surprised if the first words to be reverently uttered into my newborn ear was the phrase,

"Deflated balls."

Seriously, all I have been hearing about for the past several months, almost constantly, has to do with Tom Brady and the deflated balls.

I have become a pro at conversational detachment-I am Horst's daughter after all.

If a person makes mention of Minecraft you tube videos, Star Wars the Old Republic, any sport, politics or whenever Horst starts to talk,  my brain automatically defaults into detachment mode.

I may look interested. I will nod in all the right places, but in my head I will be doing other things, creating stories, planning a hair washing or praying to whatever deity that may be listening that the speaker will be stricken with a sudden case of pharyngitis.

I believe that this is why after all these months of deflated ball talk, it was just last night during dinner, B at it again about Tom's deflated balls, I finally put two and two together and snickered.

"It's not funny!" B snarled icily.

Months of enduring talks about deflated balls in silence,  I laugh for the first and only time.

He will not even give me that.

In my family, hearing loss is common later in life.

I do so look forward to my dotage.

Hamming

Some fun quotes from the last few days.

"G, you haven't lived until you've peed in a parking lot!"

"I don't think I can have faith in a God who made monkey asses so red."

"Ham me!"*

*B has very large hands. I have often said that when he rubs sunblock onto my shoulders and back it's like being slapped repeatedly on the back with a couple of wet ham steaks. Every year, during vacation, getting ready for the beach, I hand B a bottle of sunblock turn around and tell him to "Ham me!"

Brian says it's still not funny after all these years but I disagree.