Tuesday, December 16, 2014


I have a riddle for you:

What has two thumbs and no braces?


My mouth feels naked and slippery and wonderful.

All gone!
I no longer have to worrying about the Apocalypse happening before I get my braces off.

I no longer have to decide between being some crazy metal mouthed lunatic tearing out people throats with my braces like that guy from "Moonraker" or the love slave of one of the last remaining orthodontists left in the world.

I tell you though, when they were painstakingly taking off each bracket, I listened closely.

 I wouldn't have been the least bit surprised if I heard the cloppity clop of hooves as the Four Horsemen of The Apocalypse raced past the orthodontists office and through the streets of Cranston.

Of course, then everyone would have thrown down their orthodontic torture devices and run for the hills.

Leaving me screwed. With a half mouthful of braces.

But happy day, they are out! One more week and I get my second retainer and then-

come on End of Days! I'm all set! (Just kidding, really)

Even if it came tomorrow, I think having a retainer would be the least of my worries.

And nobody can blame me because it happened AFTER the braces came off, so there.

And now I'm assuming you want pictures. I have never liked pictures of my smile before braces, during braces and now after braces. I was going to show a series of pictures of me showing my teeth while bored, scared, vaguely annoyed and confused, but no. The kids will be home soon and I'd like to sit and read for a bit. And besides, the lighting in this room is all wrong and I didn't put on make up today.

So you will have to do with this:

I feel party.