Sunday, November 27, 2011

Black Friday

This was my only Black Friday purchase

I am busy so this will be quick.
I go to church every Sunday. Yes, a Roman Catholic church. Before you start in just shut up please..
They started a new translation today on the 1st Sunday of Advent with all new responses, etc. It was a long (1 1/4 hours!) and I was prepared for my children's heads to explode. Here are the highlights:
I laughed out loud when 100+ people stumbled over the new parts of the Nicene Creed.
I guessed that 80% of those praying were praying to God that the priest would hurry up so we could all get the hell out of there. Especially the kids.
I was embarrassed by the high-pitched screech of Joy that V made when he realized that church was almost over.
I wondered briefly if it's considered sinful to quietly cuss your kid out while still chewing on communion wafer.
Shit-I hope that God isn't mad. Probably not..

Friday, November 25, 2011

Public Apology

Thanksgiving was great. Dinner went off without a hitch. I made it easy on us this year and got a boneless turkey breast instead of dealing with a big greasy carcass. B and I did not kill each other, and we got to take the kids to the annual movie after dinner. This year we saw the Muppets. I was a little nervous, being such a huge fan as a child. But it was really good. Brian even got teary eyed at the end although he denies it. My Dad put Steve the Elf on the Shelf out for the kids to find after the movies and our Thanksgiving holiday was complete.
I did something that I felt kind of bad about yesterday. My big brother called from Chicago to wish us a Happy Thanksgiving. He is my older brother by 7 years, but in the realm of child-bearing/child-rearing I am about 17 + years ahead of him. I am finally at the point where I can go to a park, store or museum with a minimal amount of pain and annoyance. My 3 kids are old enough to be somewhat helpful and I'm starting to enjoy their company. My brother is a mere 18 months in with another baby on the way in 2 months. I am embarrassed about the sadistic pleasure I took in telling him that he is basically screwed and he shouldn't expect to have it get any better for at least the next 5 years. If he goes for a third or fourth child, make it 10. I also regaled him with stories of G trying to bite V when she first met him in the hospital, attempts on V's life when I brought him home and the horrific injuries of toddlerhood. I enjoyed it way too much and am deeply ashamed of my behavior. So on this public site for anyone to read, I would like to apologize to my brother for my obvious enjoyment at his expense. I apologize for rubbing it in. I cannot promise that it won't happen again.

Thursday, November 24, 2011

Happy Thanksgiving

I was standing in line at my local Petco the other day. I noticed that the woman in front of me was wearing an eye patch. Not a large bulky piece of gauze, but a full on black fabric eye patch. I was overcome with an urge to start saying "Arrrrr!" and "Ahoy matey!" and all that other cliche pirate crap. I had to hold back giggles. It made me realize 2 things. 1: If I ever get stuck with wearing a black eyepatch for any duration, it would not offend me if strangers used pirate talk around me. 2: I would be greatly disappointed if this did not happen. I realize that it would get old quick, but in the fantasy world where I dwell while I'm stuck in long lines, this never happens. It is always funny there.
It's Thanksgiving.
I am thankful for my family, who are all pretty awesome, having a semi-decent job that I sometimes enjoy, my own home, amazingly good friends .
I am thankful that Thanksgiving does not involve making costumes or buying gifts.
I am thankful that my friend Kevin did not get eaten by a lion or killed by a crazy fundamentalist while in the wilds of the dark continent. I am thankful he did not die from a superbug he caught from using the primitive toilets in India. I am very relieved he made it back to this side of the world.
I am thankful for the psychic connection that my husband and I share. My favorite example of this is from a Thanksgiving a few years back. We were in the kitchen cleaning up after dinner. I was at the sink and Brian was at the stove scraping leftover mashed turnip and carrot into a bowl. He commented on how he liked the turnips with carrot, but his mother makes them with only the turnips and butter. I made some sort of benign comment to him, but in my head I called him a fucking Momma's boy. From behind me I heard, "Oh you bitch!" I turned around in shock. Brian told me that he knew exactly what I was thinking. We still laugh about it.
I hope everyone has as much to be thankful about as I do.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Jesus f**k!

I've been sick for almost a month and am now just starting to feel normal again. I also survived a particularly nasty bout of depression, but that is for another time. Despite being sick, I was excited to start writing again on a regular basis and then something happened that completely threw me off. I had to friend my mother-in law on Facebook. In my head this opened up an enormous can of worms. I worried about her seeing the "other" side to me. I found a solution to the dilemma in the restricted list. I put her on that and thought that would solve the problem. Until the day I went on her computer to check my Face book page and saw that she was automatically logged on. Out of curiosity, I looked at my profile to see what she could view. Everything...Even the pictures I took of the "Elf on the Shelf" she sent my kids a few Christmases back posing with a large carving knife. Shit..Feeling guilty about looking at my stuff through her profile and horrified that she could view things like my love for foul language and poking fun at Christianity made me take a breather for awhile. Then I remembered the "Jesus fuck" incident and realized that it will all be OK.
A few years back when G was a toddler and going through the parroting phase, we were down in NJ visiting. G was in the front hallway playing with her toys, very engrossed in whatever it was she was doing. I was in the parlor, directly adjacent, talking to my mother in law. Out of nowhere, clear as day G mutters, "Jesus fuck!' Both my mother in law and I stopped talking and just sat there for a few minutes in stone silence. Then she picked up where she left off and continued our conversation. I was stunned, we both knew full well where G heard that language. I had a really hard time not giggling, which I do if I am very nervous. The incident was never mentioned again. Except by yours truly, who loves to re-tell the tale to whomever will listen. But that made me realize that I could continue to say what I please. I am an adult, I usually am never too offensive and should I ever receive criticism for something I write either here or on Facebook, my reply will be to tell the person not to read it. I feel better now.
On a side note-I will add that I absolutely adore my mother in law. I really do, I'm not just saying that because she might read this.