Friday, August 30, 2013

What the Hell!?

Walking the kids home from school with a friend.

We hear a loud pop.

G is looking at whatever it was on the sidewalk.

It is a condom with what looked like a silver wire stuck through it.

I have no idea what in the hell is going on or how it got there. No clue.

G and the other kids are looking closely at it and asking what it is.

We say, "It's just a balloon."

and try not to let the kids hear us laughing quietly as we walk away.

Thursday, August 29, 2013

Role Models

"The Syrians better not mess with vaginas." was the comment that brought me quickly out of my listless daydreaming.

The morning spent running errands with Horst was putting me in danger of losing my post vacation/first day of school glow.

"What did you say?" I asked in alarm. "Mess with what?"

"China, mess with China."

"Oh, Ok."

I giggled to myself. The morning with Horst had been really getting to me. We went to BJ's and since we got into to the car he had been running a constant commentary about various products at BJ's, his job (of course giving me absolutely no frame of reference so I had to continually ask what he was talking about), Martin Luther King Jr and his personal opinion on racial issues and now Syria.

I should know better than to listen to NPR in the car with him I guess.

Thinking for a moment that my father said "vagina" certainly lightened my mood though.

I think the only thing that he didn't mention was that whole Miley Cyrus "twerking" thing (snore).

I will say for the record that I do care about what happens in Syria. I worry about what's going to happen. I have been following that and had no idea what happened at the VMA's nor really cared until I was bombarded by photos of Miley Cyrus's ass, trying desperately to escape out of the sides of her tight rubber panties.

I could care less. I have seen worse. My friends that accompanied me to that Genitorturer's show years ago know what I'm talking about. If you saw what I saw that night.....Nothing fazes me now.

My kids have never watched Hannah Montana and I would be surprised if they had any desire to watch the VMA's . If they saw her antics, they would probably have said, "Ew." and moved on.

What about that guy? The one rubbing her ass with his crotch? Is anyone giving him crap?

But honestly, whatever.. I know that a lot of people were upset because she is supposed to be some sort of role model for young girls and shouldn't be acting like this.

In my house, no joke, Hannah Montana is a euphemism for having to take a crap.

As in, "Be right back, I gotta go Hannah Montana!"

I did that on purpose.

I have always disliked her and worked very hard with G and V to make sure that I didn't have to watch her show or listen to her music.. (We also would have to take a "Big Time Rush" from time to time as well.)

But I was curious, I wondered who my daughter's female role models were, so I asked her who they were.

Her response was:

Katniss Everdeen-The girl runs around shooting a bow and arrow and becomes the symbol that brings down an oppressive government-I'll take it.

Adele-She writes her own songs and doesn't give a shit about what the celebrity hamster wheel thinks of her body-Ok good.

Heather Toupin-One of my best friends and one of the awesomest people alive-I'm pretty damn psyched.

Me-Holy Shit-does it get any better than that?

I must be doing something right.

Saturday, August 10, 2013


I am typing from an IPod so bear with me.

 I am at work and should be working.

But I've been working and decided to enjoy a short break..

Ok human resources?

Today, a newspaper article told me that a plane flew into a house. Two children, in addition to the plane's passengers, are feared dead.

Shark week on The Discovery Channel showed me all of the horrible things that a shark can do to various parts of your body. (Beach vacation starts next week..great)

Some kid named Chandler, as a part of a public service announcement on the radio, told me about the time he was texting while driving and plowed into a group of small children.

If anyone needs me, I'll be hiding, with my children, in our bathtub, which I will be filling with packing peanuts, covered with a mattress.

After I carefully strap on everyone's crash helmets.

You can never be too safe.

Tuesday, August 06, 2013

Been Awhile

I have been on hiatus.

I didn't mean to be, but Summer is such a crazy time. Between wrangling the children, a large garden, a job, a house, 2 beehives that are sadly 20 miles away and another beehive that I am being paid to care for, I am swamped.

Did I forget running a household? Yeah that too.  I've also been catching up on Doctor Who episodes and reading a lot.

 It is morning,  the kids had a sleepover last night. I had to get up at around 2 to tell them to stop talking and go to sleep.

For some ridiculous reason it is not quite 8 am and they are awake. Jerks.

I have to go and take the car in and get my daughters ears pierced. Before I go, for lack of anything else to say, I will leave you with my reading list so far this year.

Maybe you can find something on there to read at the beach.

Neverwhere **
Jonathan Strange and Mr Norrel **
Stranger Things Happen
Water For Elephants **
Empire Falls **
Anansi Boys **
Happily Ever After **
A Gift of Dragons
The Ladies Of Grace Adieu
The War of Art **
Under The Dome
The Ocean At The End Of The Lane **
The Golem and The Jinni **
The Still Point of the Turning World
The Gate Thief
Clan of the Cave Bear
Eat to Live
NOS4A2 **

Anything I asterisked is highly recommended.

I can't write anymore. My kids are making breakfast, spilling milk and slurping loudly.

I'll try to be back tomorrow, pinky swear.