D

I read this at Datura's memorial last Sunday, thought I would share it here in case anyone who wasn't there wanted to read it.

Sometime in early February of this year, I was wracking my brain trying to think of this great quote that I read somewhere. I couldn’t for the life of me remember where I had read it. It was driving me crazy. 

The quote got me thinking about the meaning of home, especially when you get older. I feel like it becomes less of a place in the world and more about the things you carry within you and within the people you love.

Seeing Datura after a long time was like coming home. We would pick right up exactly where we left off, there was no guilty, “why haven’t you made time sooner.” We would enjoy that moment. 

Life happens, it’s the way things are.

Datura had an amazing knack for reminiscing, especially the really funny and sometimes really inappropriate incidents that you shared. I could always count on the two (or more) of us laughing so hard that we were doubled over in pain, tears streaming down our faces, annoying anyone who happened to be near us in our hysteria. 

We have known each other since we were 16 or 17. It’s a wonderful thing to have a friendship that has lasted for such a long time and at the same time, it’s a tragedy because at some point, one of us will have to say goodbye. 

I already miss her laugh and especially laughing with her. Her tiny giggle that would turn into her "deep cigarette cackle" as our mutual friend, Marc, so aptly describes it. It would be a stupid cliché’ to say something like, “I’ll never laugh again like I did with her. “ Instead, I think I’m going to try and keep laughing like that and remember her when I do.

Datura would love that. 

The day I got the news Datura died, I went to her Facebook page and found that quote I was looking for. It’s a quote from Stephen King’s book Revival. 

“That’s how you know you’re home, I think, no matter how far you’ve gone from it or how long you’ve been in some other place. Home is where they want you to stay longer.”

I want her to stay longer.

Side note to anyone who also lost D (or anyone for that matter) Grief is like getting intermittently punched in the gut, it comes and goes. I love you all and if anyone is feeling particularly raw or down, I'm always here. I don't like talking on the phone, but I'm always a text or message away. 

Hello Again

It has been a little less than a year since I last posted on here. I admit that my writing muscle is a bit out of shape but I couldn't let New Years morning pass without at least a little something.

What to say about 2018...

If you read my post on New Years from last year, I mention that the end of 2017 was very tough with Horst's diagnosis, compounded with life happening. I took some time off to get back on track mentally.

Horst's illness, like any serious illness or injury, happened at a really bad time. There's never a good time but still. I was getting ready to make some drastic life changes. I almost threw in the towel and postponed my plans.

A dear friend of mine, when I gave her the news about Horst, very matter of factly, replied "You can do this. You can care for your father and still do everything you were planning to do."

It seems like an entire century passed from that moment, standing in a sunny autumn field over a year ago, getting both horrible news and what turned out to be some of the best advice I have ever received. (Thank you Anne)

So I did just that. I cared for my father, as well as I could, and still did everything I planned to do.

2018 was a rollercoaster ride for sure  and it was one of the hardest years so far, but I said fuck you and did it anyway.

It seems that I work very well in a state of spite.

One of this past year's accomplishments was to name my inner demons, then lock them away in a box on my dresser. This is where they remain, unable to whisper things in my ear about what I lack and why I shouldn't bother. (I highly recommend it)

Seeing as how for once,  I do not have anyone or anything whispering in my ear to keep things I should be proud of to myself. I'm gonna tell you what I was able to do this past year.

My business, Little Rhody Beekeeping was born.  I became a full time beekeeper and pollinator stalker.  I did not have to borrow a cent to start or maintain my business this past year and I was completely self-sufficient.  It's a very good feeling to begin a new year in the black.

I stepped down from my manager's position after many years in both assistant and managerial roles to become a part time direct care worker for adults with autism. I was able to keep the parts of the job I liked and the relationships I had with my clients and leave all the rest.

I supported Horst as he went through treatments followed by a death notice, followed by hope, followed by 2 major surgeries in 2 weeks, followed by an arduous recovery while being shuffled around to three different facilities followed by a brief return home and then back to the hospital and the nursing home. Then another death notice. Horst was a model of quiet good humored acceptance throughout the entire ordeal and passed in peace, at the worst possible time but with excellent timing just the same, which was his way. I received the news that he died during a stopover as I was flying to Virginia to take the last part of the exam to become certified as a master beekeeper.

I took the last portion of the EAS master beekeeper exam, I left the conference early in order to take care of things.  I got the news that I passed the exam on my way to the airport to go home. It took me a long time before I could even acknowledge or feel remotely celebratory about passing, being so overshadowed by Horst's death. It was both a terrible and wonderful week.

As I end this year, I have 25 hives belonging to clients, my bee club and myself going strong into Winter. Keeping bees alive is not easy, so the fact that everyone has made it this far is reason to celebrate (while discreetly knocking on wood and crossing fingers-we still have the whole winter ahead of us).

I am a firm believer that you can only get as good as you give. This past year, the amazing amount of love and support, from some of the most amazing people I have ever had the privilege to know, tells me that I must be doing something right. In the family and friends department, I am an extremely extremely fortunate person, which is an understatement.

Oh yes, and I read some books. Some repeats where where I listened to audio as well as read the book. I still count it. I don't waste time reading shitty books anymore so all of these were at least entertaining and I would recommend. Reread are for books I have read in past years, the ones with the asterisks I absolutely love and highly recommend.

1. Sleeping Beauties by Stephen King
2. The Ones Who Walk Away From Omelas by Ursula K LeGuin ****
3. The Subtle Art Of Not Giving A Fuck by Mark Manson
4. A Confederacy Of Dunces by John Kennedy Toole****
5. A Confederacy Of Dunces (again)
6. The Gentle Art Of Swedish Death Cleaning by Margaretta Magnusson
7. Dune by Frank Herbert (reread) ****
8. The Cruel Prince by Holly Black
9. Soulful Simplicity by Courtney Carver
10. The Beekeeper's Problem Solver by James E Tew
11. Anansi Boys by Neil Gaiman (reread) ****
12. The Hunger Games by Suzanne Collins
13. Beekeeping At Buckfast Abbey by Brother Adam
14. Catching Fire by Suzanne Collins
15. The Library At Mount Char by Scott Hawkins ****
16. The Hazel Wood by Melissa Albert
17. The Hazel Wood (again)
18. Circe by Madeline Miller ****
19. The Outsider by Stephen King
20. Monstress vol. 1
21. The Bride Finder by Susan Caroll
22. Monstress vol. 2
23. The City & The City by China Miéville
24. Saga vol. 9****
25. Perdido Street Station by China Miéville (reread)****
26. Perdido Street Station (again)
27. The Year Of Less by Cait Flanders
28. Monstress vol. 3
29. The Scar by China Miéville****
30. The Scar (again)
31. The Forgotten Beasts of Eld by Patricia A McKillip ****
32. The Iron Council by China Miéville****
33. The Iron Council (again)
34. All The Birds In The Sky by Charlie Jane Anders****
35. Bird Box by Josh Malerman
36. Animal Vegetable Miracle by Barbara Kingsolver (reread)



I love you and Happy New Year!