The kids came home from school and I told them:
I was pregnant
We won the lottery
I was leaving their father for Scott Baio
We were getting a puppy
They weren't having it.
They called out "April Fool's!" And shook their heads at my silliness.
As they did their homework together, at the big table in the dining room, I popped in every few seconds and tried again:
"We're moving to Indiana to open a fundamentalist Christian bakery!!"
"G-I'm buying you a new laptop right now!"
"We just won a new car!"
"A new dishwasher!"
Nope, nope, nope and nope.
"Your father is leaving me for your best friend's mom?"
"No Mom, go away, we're doing homework."
"All right. You're adopted. All of you. Dad and I are having another baby so we can actually have a biological child."
Von got upset at that and informed me that I had offended him.
I apologized profusely and said it was just me, going too far again.
I assured him he was my own biological son forever and always.
I assured him he was my own biological son forever and always.
I tried to show him my c section scar to prove it, but he ran from the room screaming.
G watched the interaction with a bemused expression on her face.
I turned to her and said, " You just came out of my vagina."
Unmoved as usual, she turned back to her homework.
"I know Mom," she said with a sigh,
"You tell me that all the time."
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