Friday, February 17, 2012

Backwards Bucket List

Ok, I have decided that I am going to scrap the idea of writing about all of my friends this week or whatever. I may leave someone out and end up hurting feelings. So I will just write whatever comes to mind and leave it at that. It's very early right now, I have a house full of sleeping people and my oldest daughter (the very early riser) is in Hawaii with her dad (the bitch). I am taking advantage of this moment as my husband will be home sick from work and home all weekend. Whenever there are people around me, all of my wit and verve that I can put into writing shrivels up and I am reduced to this:

I went to see the newest Harry Potter movie, "The Woman in Black" with my friend Kevin the other day. Kevin has been one of my best friends for a really fucking long time. 20+years. I can honestly say that when I am with him that I laugh harder and more often than any other time. Great big belly laughs that makes your stomach hurt but keep you going for days.
Kevin and I have what I consider a "reverse bucket list". Over the years, we have accumulated instances where we really wished that we did or said something because it would have been really really funny and awesome. Of course we were too chicken shit. I have 2 examples for you that you may like.
About 20 years ago, Kev and I were at the Denny's in Fall River. I had purple hair and Kevin had green. We were being quietly heckled by 2 women in a nearby booth. They were making comments about our hair color and Kevin's piercings. At one point, Kevin left the table and the women got a little louder in their comments. I guess I began to shoot them dirty looks. One woman said to the other, "It looks like she's getting mad." The other woman replied, "I don't care, I have a gun in my car." When Kevin returned, I told him what the woman said. We then discussed how great it would be to stand up and scream, "OH MY GOD THAT WOMAN HAS A GUN EVERYONE UNDER THE TABLES!!!". Of course we didn't. I wish we had.

One other incident was about 3 or 4 years ago. Kevin was babysitting my son, Von . On my way to a meeting for work I was passed through the big intersection in the seedy part of town. I noticed a woman in short shorts, frizzy hair and lots of make-up, trying to pick up a bum at a phone booth. I was excited! A hooker in the neighborhood! I live on the edge of the area where the hookers hang out. They usually do not come to my part of town, but will if the cops start busting their usual haunts. She was quite a spectacle. A thousand light years from "Pretty Woman" but there was no mistaking. On the way home I noticed her still hanging out. I rushed home and told Kevin to take Von and jump in the car because we had to go see the hooker up the street. While we were driving up we discussed how fun it would be to bring a camera and 10 bucks and have Von pose with the hooker. We could put it in his baby book as "Von's first hooker". Of course we didn't. Von had no interest in looking at the whore as we drove past, he had fallen asleep.
Kevin and I refer to these times as the list of "If only we had the balls to do that"
I was reminded of this when we saw that movie the other night. As Daniel Radcliffe open the door to the room where there was obviously a ghost, I so wanted to yell out in a British accent, "Don't go in the room, Harry!" or "Run away Harry!" Instead I whispered this to Kevin because I was too chicken shit.
I also regret not giving a loud whoop when Liam Neeson cried, "RELEASE THE KRACKEN!" when Kevin and I saw the remake of "Clash of the Titans".
I was out with my friend "J" (on a side note if I only put people's names here if they give me permission although with Heth and Kevin, I just took the liberty), the other week and she told me the story of her shitty, verbally abusive boss. She said that she wanted to quit and did not need the reference. After some discussion, we came up with the idea that she should get an ad from the personals from some S&M person, copy that, fax it to her boss with a note stating that she was quitting and had found a replacement for him. The ad we found said:

I'm such a freak
I like c*ck in my mouth and ass. I will host

I suggested blowing up the add and putting underneath something about the above person being good at whatever new computer program is popular and that salary is negotiable. I fully encouraged, no begged her to do that. I am meeting her later today. I really hope she did..

As I grow older, there are more and more things that I wished that I did when the moment presented itself. Not just funny inappropriate things, other more normal things too. I'm finding that the more times I do something that I want to do or always wished I could do, the happier I am. It's not to hard really, the hardest part I have found is getting up that initial motivation or in many cases, the courage to make that effort. Once you make that push, the rest is cake.

While Kevin and I were watching "The Woman in Black" there was a group of people a few rows back being really loud. Not the making a few funny comments here and there loud. More of the having a loud, long conversation while using their stupid cellphones. I thought that I could sit there, and suffer and maybe complain to Kevin in whispers about their rude behavior. I then realized that most people are rude because other people are too afraid to speak up.
I called out, "Shut up!" and they did.
It's a start.

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