Wednesday, April 24, 2013

Expressions of Love

I love to come up with new ways in which I threaten my children with bodily harm.

Side note to DCYF-I never touch them. I haven't spanked them in years and they laugh in my face when I do this.

Side notes to parents that allow their children in my home-I never do this in front of your children nor do I threaten any other children with bodily harm.

It is specially reserved for my own special offspring.

The current fad is the threat to give them a "pop".

Pop is either a smack to the face or a punch to the face or throat.

I stole the term "pop" from the movie "The Other Guys"

Here is one more clip, I can't resist.

Soup Kitchen has a whole new meaning for me now.

Back to "pop". So there are a bunch of different kinds of pop.

There is the "milk pop", in which I smear my knuckles with the drops of milk that are left all over the counter after the kids get their cereal, and give them a pop.

The is the classic butt pop, which needs no explanation and is one of the more flexible pops. It can be used for any occasion.

There is the Beanie pop, in which I give a pop while holding one of the 37 Beanie Boos that G owns and keeps scattered all over the floors of the house.

My current favorite is the "pea pop" which was discovered last night at dinner when V wouldn't eat his peas.

A pea pop is when I carefully wedge peas between my fingers and then give the pop.

The possibilities are endless. We all love the pop.

As a side note, my children have jumped on the bodily harm threat bandwagon and are coming up with creative ways in which to administer pops to both me and each other.

Unfortunately, they carry out the pops and they are too young to press charges against.

But the better thing I think, is the threat of embarrassment.

I can be far more embarrassing to them than they could ever be to me.

This morning, while I was getting dressed, I called the kids upstairs to get ready for school.

I wasn't quite dressed yet, so told the kids that I was dropping them off at school in my underwear.

This was followed by a conversation about how embarrassing it would be if I actually did that.

I said that it would be especially funny if I did it on the last day of school. Then everyone could stew about it all summer.

Then the next year, the kids would point out V and G as the kids with the weird Mom who picks them up in their underwear.

While walking to the school I mentioned that I could pick them up on the last day in a bikini, carrying a boom-box that was blasting "School's Out" by Alice Cooper.

G ran away in embarrassment.

V announced that he was still going to walk into school with me.

I patted him on the head, gave him a kiss and told him that unlike his sister, he would NEVER have to pay any rent when he turned 18.

It just occurred while looking at the clock that I just wasted a good 15 minutes writing about threatening my children with bodily harm and embarrassment.

I guess there are better ways to spend my time. Be sure to let me know if you hear of any.

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