We are back to our Sunday morning routine. It's almost Easter, so I am finished with my giving up organized religion for Lent.
We went to 8:00 mass today. We were on time for us, which means we got there at 8:10.
I actually have missed going with my kids. They are young enough to appreciate my inappropriate comments at church and old enough to kind of get them.
Today, being Palm Sunday, we listened to the priest and 2 parishioners read from the Gospel about Jesus's trial and crucifixion.
Sadly, one of the readers was the woman I call "Slow Reader". She makes every word count and pauses for exactly 5 seconds at each period.
By the end of whatever she is reading, you are gripping the edge of the pew and writhing in pain, begging God to end it all.
I leaned over to G and pointed out that I call the woman "Slow Reader". She totally agreed with me.
In the middle of it, she nudged me, pointed her thumb at Slow Reader and rolled her eyes.
G also got a kick out of my very solemn "God bless you" when she sneezed. Love that kid.
I always feel extremely guilty feeling annoyed with Slow Reader. She definitely looks like a model Christian. I feel like with every negative thought about her, I am surely tacking on extra days in Purgatory.
I once was in the ER with a client and saw her walking out of the cancer center. I am assuming that she, or someone she loves, has cancer. Or she volunteers there.
Either way, it makes me feel like I suck when I inwardly groan in dread whenever I see her waiting to get up and read.
Then I say in my head to God-"Shit, I shouldn't have though that..Sorry." and then "Sorry I said shit"
Then I think about something I saw on the news, or the fact that I should buy more clothes in jewel tones.
Then I silently apologize again and try to concentrate on the Mass.
Then I do and I get annoyed by Slow Reader and my thoughts drift and then I have to apologize in my head, to God, again.
But interestingly, I often see the same thing going on with my favorite priest-most of the time it looks like he is thinking bad thoughts and apologizing in his head too. I like him.
Do I sound nuts? I blame the sugar, caffeine and lack of sleep.
I'd like to also mention that I was very happy today to see a young child pick their nose and eat it during the Mass.
I thought that my kids were the only ones who have booger problems in church. It's always right before everyone has to shake hands too. It never fails to crack me up.
I had to take some time to pray today. It was the day of V's birthday party. We invited the kids form the neighborhood.
Whenever we have a kids party, right before, I always think of Mad Max Beyond The Thunderdome.
I think it is because the boys always end up attacking the girls with plastic weaponry.
So I took a moment, after apologizing for not concentrating on the Mass, for my impatience with Slow Talker and for being a pig headed individual who refuses to completely buy into the entire Catholic experience, to pray that the party would be fun for the kids and that nobody would leave in tears.
The party turned out good, so I guess my prayer was heard.
Walking back from Communion, I chewed on the rather stale wafer and whispered to B, "I think I have the body of Christ stuck in my braces."