Wednesday, March 27, 2013


God I feel like such a loser right now.

It is now 1:31 and I have completely wasted my day.

I still need to make the beds and do the dishes. There is a load of laundry in the basket and one in the dryer. The last time I checked, they had not magically folded themselves.

The laundry elves never came.

I'm going to blame it all on V's birthday party, having to dye Easter Eggs last night and the fact that for the first time in about a month, I got more than 8 hours of sleep.

I am a zombie today.

Yes, speaking of zombies, I blame my lack of writing motivation yesterday on having to catch up on stupid Walking Dead.

Ok, I'm all caught up and now totally distracted by visions of certain characters naked flitting through my brain.

Moving on.

I realized yesterday that I have in fact married my father. It was a brutal moment for me. But as plain as the nose on my face.

I mentioned something to B about someone saying something on Facebook.

B's response was, "You should write something really obscene and offensive, just to get a rise out of people. That's what I would do if I had a Facebook account. I'd drive people crazy."

Just know that the above was not verbatim-it was a summarization-I won't repeat exactly what B said-it was pretty bad.

This is also not the first time I have heard the "If I was on Facebook" bit.

It suddenly occurred to me that this was essentially the same thing as Horst's "Stick It to The Telemarketers" bit.


Horst likes to screen all of his calls using his 3 telephones. 1 phone has caller ID, 1 phone has an answering machine, 1 of those are cordless. and I think he had a phone that doesn't require batteries.

He likes to listen for bill collectors and telemarketers and not answer. In Horst's mind, the people on the other line hang up, clench their fists and scream, "HORST!!!"

Horst got them again. As he says when he gives me the "Stick It To The Telemarketers" bit, it "fixes their wagon".

I have stopped even bothering to remind him that they probably don't care if he picks up or not. It's no good and it only encourages him.

Once I had the realization that B's "If I Was On Facebook" bit was the same as Horst's bit, I put my head in my hands and wailed, "I married my father! I'll never be able to do it with you again!"

B said I was ridiculous-his bit was nothing like Horst's bit. I said it was as plain as the hand in front of his face (I then waved my hand in his face)

In B's mind the other person reading whatever status would read the horrid thing that B wrote just to rile them up, clench their fists over their keyboard and then just have to retort.

Be would then just reply by calling them a loser for having Facebook in the first place.

I never said that this made any sense. He is just like Horst-God help me.

Next time I get that "If I Was on Facebook" bit. I plan to respond with an, "Ok Horst, you'll fix their wagon"

In fact I can't wait!

In other news, V had his birthday party and the Hobos left him a gift!

No pie, but then again, we already had cake.

V also got the best birthday card in the world. It was made by a little girl who lives down the street.  I call her Molly-wood because whenever the kids play at the playground she somehow finds these big branches and drags them around as part of the game.  Actually they are more like logs that she carries around.

I told her father once that she should seek a career in forestry. I'm on the look out for a red plaid wool lumberjack coat for her birthday. 

Here is the card. We hung it up on the wall across where V sits for dinner so that he can see it all the time.

When I told her that it was the best birthday card that I have ever seen, she just gave me an impish look and nodded, as if to say, "Yeah, I know."

I love that kid. 

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