Thursday, November 29, 2012

And then I said, "No really never tell your Dad that!"

I want to write about a story a friend shared with me last night about this guys she works with who wouldn't do what he was supposed to be doing this one time because he was glued to the TV watching the sex scene from "Top Gun". If you knew the guy and the circumstances, I promise you that you would laugh about it forever and the thought of it would get you through the dark times.

I just can't do it justice. I will tell you that that particular Top Gun fan is a character that I have been thinking of writing about for sometime. I just haven't whittled the story out yet.

But I do have an excellent story to share, from just this morning.

G lost her tooth last night. She still believes in the tooth fairy (although I tell her that it's me, she still doesn't believe it.)

So I put the usual 10 quarters and a pack of Juicy Fruit under her pillow, patting myself on the back for remembering to do it this time.

I am guilty of forgetting about taking the tooth and leaving something, only to have one of the kids find it the next morning. When this happens I either say, "Let me look." In my palm I have the quarters and gum and I slip my hand under. I bring it out and exclaim, "Here it is! The tooth fairy must have forgotten the tooth."

More often than not, I act outraged and exclaim that the tooth fairy is shiftless layabout and I am going to contact someone about this.

Then the next night she comes, leaves the goods and takes the tooth. Shiftless layabout..

I patted myself on the back and then decided that it would be great to put Steve the homicidal Christmas elf in the girl's room too. (You all know the whole Elf on The Shelf routine with his being moved every night because he is supposed to run back to the North Pole and tell Santa about their behavior? You know, I tell the kids I'm Santa and they don't believe me. I can assure you if that fucking elf walked up and started talking to me, I would either run screaming or attack.)

So here is Steve in the girl's room on a shelf above G's bed, she has a fantastic loft set up of which I am quite jealous.

I would like to add that I left the door to the girl's room open so that if he tried anything, I could get in there quickly.

The next morning we were discussing the fact that Steve was in the room:

G: I wonder if Steve saw the tooth fairy? Was he like, "Who are you?"

V:(In a very shifty, goofy voice) I wonder if Steve and the tooth fairy engaged in some casual


V is 7 by the way.
I laughed my ass off and asked him if he even knew what that means (I suspect he gets the idea in some way)

He said no. I asked him where he heard that. His reply was that he saw it on a commercial

For 2 1/2 Men.

They also watch a lot of the Simpsons so I imagine they caught a racy episode somewhere.

I, of course after laughing (a lot),assumed my supportive parenting role and we had the conversation about not talking about these things with his friends because other parents may not like that and he'd be known as the "Boy Who Let The Cat Out of The Bag".

I also told him he should ask his father if he wanted to know what casual sex meant.

**Parents of children my kids associate with-They are entirely different at home-they aren't going to swear or say things that you don't want your kids to hear, I promise-the kids and I talk about this all the time. The only reason why I am relaxed about language and don't freak out when they come out with these things is that they know the appropriate time and place.**

Later on I was tying V's shoe and I hoisted his foot onto my leg to do so and V said that he almost hit me in the wiener. I said very matter of fact that women do not have wieners. Boys have penis's and girls have vaginas. I told him that he should never tell a woman she has a wiener.

But feel free to tell his father that he has a vagina.

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