40 Days and 40 Nights

I really love hanging out with my kids for the most part. Lyd is somewhat of a sullen teenager so her sense of humor is gone right now, but V and G have me laughing all the time. Sometimes when they aren't making me laugh, I want to dump them off on the side of the interstate and speed off whooping with joy, but as my dear friend Kevin (not saggy balls Costner) always loves to remind me, "Well, you should have left your legs closed."

Indeed I should have, but here they are and I won't be dropping them off on the interstate any time soon. Or selling them to the gypsies. It's just one of my creative visalizations. I use them a lot. I use threats too, but that never works, because the kids think they're funny. Just today on the way to school, Von said that he had a cramp. My reply was that his ass was going to cramp when I was done with him. Gretel said, in admiration, "Wow Mom, you're really good at threats."

Sometimes I am fearful of my kids because I worry that they will repeat what I say to them and around them and get into big trouble with their Dad, or the general public. Take this Sunday for example.

We were at V's CCD class presentation. It was the final one of the year. Already I was a nervous wreck because I have a very difficult time being around Church people. They kind of freak me out. It's different when you are in a pew and don't have to talk to anyone. I had already made a scene by accidently spilling coffee on G's neck. She ran to the bathroom in tears, mortified. I followed nervously giggling (I'm a terrible nervous giggler-it really pisses people off).
V had to talk about the story of Noah's Ark. Suddenly I was a deer in the headlights. You see, V is more impulsive and inappropriate than his sisters. He also likes to get me. At the kindergarten Christmas breakfast last year, he yelled out to me across the room the joke I had recently taught him-
"Hey Mom! What's brown and sounds like a bell?"
"DUNG!"
I was totally asking for it, it's really funny now, but I was pretty damn embarrassed.

So back to the presentation. V was presenting the story of Noah. I was terrified. This is because last year, I came out with my best one liner yet. The kids and I speak of it still.
G was playing with a wooden Noah's ark in the kitchen doorway as I was trying to bring dinner out to the dining room. I told G that if she didn't get that Noah's ark out of my way, her ass was going to hurt for 40 days and 40 nights.
The kids and I still laugh about it.

So there I was, petrified that my son, who was all hyped up at performing in front of people, was going to come out with, "My Mom told my sister..!" You get the point.
Luckily, this did not happen, I was safe and sound. But I know what that boy is capable of.
But I'm very happy to report that it will be highly unlikely that that boy would ever repeat these embarrassing things I say to the public anyways. I am prepared now weapons of my own.

I caught him doing a naked butt slapping dance Sunday night. He made up a fantastic song that goes with it that I will not write here, because he was very embarrassed at being caught. I also have a great set of pictures and video of him at the age of 4 in a black ballet leotard and a fushcia tutu.
On the eve of this years talent show and and every public appearance forever after, I will be sure to remind him that if he embarrasses me, Mom will be doing a show of her own.